But some nights I seem to grow taller and taller.
There are times I feel very tall. And there are times I feel quite small. Most times, I fall somewhere in between. Tall, yes….but also not quite powerful enough not to feel small as well.
I can control very little in my world. I can control the way I act and react to my environment and the people in it, primarily. And in some cases, I can choose where that is and who those people are. But for the most part, none of us can dictate what goes on outside of a very small sphere of influence that we do have- at home, at our jobs, in our communities, among our peers.
In this world where we control so little, I have become increasingly accustomed to letting go. Relaxing. Letting the current take me where it will. This, of course, does not prevent me from analyzing the world to death, but it does give me solid ground within my own mind, in the raging river that is my life in this world. I have learned that to love and live with my full self, I need to be prepared to adapt and change and make immense compromises. All of these things, I am getting better at doing. And all of these things, I thoroughly enjoy.
When recently given an analogy (that life itself is like getting a phone call today, saying that you were being taken away to an unknown place, with no one you knew, and not given any instructions, only to be plucked out just as suddenly some undetermined day in the future, ) and asked, “wouldn’t that be scary? Who would do that? Would you agree to that?” I responded, “Absolutely.”
To me, it sounded more like a crazy reality show or a fun game than some tiresome and terrifying thing to endure. Which is, I suppose, what makes me different than many people, who have consistently answered no to that same question. But I don't think that makes my approach any less valid than this...enduring with solemn purpose and stoic heart.
With all of this gusto- with all of this sunlight and this almost maniacal desire to live and love- I have still gone and gathered my grievances. There are only a handful of them. I don’t believe I am entitled to the treasures of the world, nor do I think I am more brilliant and gifted than the next person.
But as promised, here they are. All three:
1. The moment when I realize someone expects me to compromise myself for them. I do it. I know I do it. I do it everyday. But the second you sense my good nature and free spirit and easy-to-please and eager-to-please-others attitude and try to put it to good use…I turn. It may not be perceptible to the average bear. But it exists. As I become less and less naïve, I am able to gauge when this moment actually occurs, be it conscious or unconscious on the other’s part.
2. Those who live solely for themselves, or who may feel exempt from participating in...humanity. I understand some people “live in their own little world,” or “are apt to get lost in themselves.” Don’t get me wrong- I can get like that too. I can be introspective or contemplative and almost step right on someone at the crosswalk. But gosh, a few years and some self awareness has cured most of that. But there are people who seem completely and utterly unaware that others do any of the following: require space, oxygen, time to sleep, time to laugh, time to eat, money to do all of the above…or even, like I said, that they even exist. By others, I can mean anyone from the person in the elevator or the cashier at the store or even the stranger they pass sitting on a stoop. I consider myself a fine human specimen...and I believe most other people are as well. And I hope I do not ever end up treating anyone with anything less than the respect they have earned. And in my book, which again, might make me different, respect exists until you zap it with your actions.
3. The last is a simple one- those who make no effort to do good in this world. If you can't give much more than a smile today, then that is all you can give. If you can't give a g*ddamn thing for weeks and weeks, well...the tide can turn. But the people who just take and take and take and give nothing back...well, I wish them well but I'm not sure their kind will survive this century. With the way the winds are changing, it seems individual impacts are making more and more of an impression. I only hope that one by one, this type of person...becomes a different kind.
So. That's that. Things that make me feel tall are many, things that make me feel especially small are few :) And that is the way we hope things will stay. I have good feelings about this planet. I think we can do it.
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