To My Uncle Ed

We’re a loud and chatty and impossibly fun family, and Uncle Ed has always been a part of that. Uncle Ed wasn’t as loud as a lot of us are, but he was always able to cut through the noise with a keen observation or curious question, bantering with the best. It was the time he and I spent chatting the few times a year we’d get together that I’ll truly miss the most. He gave some of the best hugs ever. And that beard was legendary. He also had a gift for finding the coolest books – he found an author by my name once and proceeded to give and send me three of her books to add to my collection. Whether at my parents’ summer picnic, the annual Christmas party at Eileen’s or my occasional visit to Burlington, Uncle Ed and I always spent time chatting. And thanks to the magic of facebook, he always knew what was going on in my life. He helped me become a Red Sox fan transplant to Philadelphia, warning me of the dangers of Phillies-fan-dom. He got a call once for Comcast, my biggest client in Philly, and said he didn’t want to mention my name, since he didn’t want to brag that he knew me. He even got to know Dylan a bit last summer, and got to joking around with him on facebook as well. It meant a lot to me that he took such an interest in my life and always made sure I knew it.

From reading the messages from all his friends and family, I know that I was not alone in feeling this special bond with Uncle Ed. He lived his life simply, but fuller and more richly than many on this earth, making it about the connections he had and the lives he touched. I think all of us cousins, and his amazing kids Henry and Natalie, all got a bit of his sense of humor in our own. A wry observation, a good pun or a play on words will always remind me of Uncle Ed. His passing has made all of us cry, but I think he’d want us to remember how he’s made us all laugh hundreds of times over. That laughter and caring spirit is what will always stay with us, until the day we meet again. And just think, by the time we get to Heaven, Uncle Ed will have all the good bakeries and coffee shops scoped out and he’ll show us all around. We’ll love you always, Uncle Ed.
__________


I'm on the bus now to meet Josh and Kristi in Albany. We're going to go get some pizza and then I'm going to hang out with Meredith at my parents' house. To be honest, I could really use a drink. The past couple of days have been really crazy, and I wish I didn't feel this loss as deeply as I have, but maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it means it will get easier in time. Or maybe that's a crock, and I'll always feel loss like I do now. Tomorrow's the visiting hours and service. The words above are what I've written to read. I wanted to make a tribute somehow, because Uncle Ed was really one of my favorite relatives and meant a lot to me. I feel the worst for Natalie and Henry. I can't imagine losing my father at their age. Well, I can't imagine losing my father at my age. I know it'll happen someday, but I hope it's long after I'm married and my kids have gotten ample time to get to know and hang out with their Grandpa Ed. Natalie and Henry will never get that and that makes me so sad. I'm staying overnight in Vermont on Wednesday night so I can attend the burial on Thursday. And hopefully, have some time to hang out with my cousins. I want to see what they are all doing tomorrow night. Maybe this will give us some time to be with each other some more. This whole thing is making me think I need to work harder at knowing my family. They're the only ones I will ever have and they mean so much to me.

I also need to get something for my mom. I can't imagine losing my brother and this must be the hardest of all on her (in our family). Uncle Ed was such a strong presence in everyone's life, it'll be weird at family events now without him.

One good thing is that this has kind of put the whole work stress in perspective. And everyone from the office has been very supportive. Rob even gave me a hug :) They're good people, and I'm lucky to have them. And I'm lucky to have all of the family I'm off to see. Here goes.

Hate Saying Goodbye

Why is it that I never seem to want to hang up the phone at night? No matter how good the conversation is, no matter how much I've laughed, no matter how many times I've been thankful that we're together and we're talking, getting off the phone is always hard for me. It's like I want him to talk me to the edge of sleep, and whisper goodnight to me as I drift off, every single night.

I'm not like that at work when he calls, or in the evening when I'm walking home from work. It's such a drag. I feel kind of codependent. I'm so excited about the prospect of moving in together, but I don't want it to just make me more dependent on Dylan to make me happy and make me feel whole. It's important for me to maintain my sense of self. And I don't know where the dependent part of me came from, but I'd be alright if it left. I find the same thing happens when Dylan goes to leave. Maybe it's because he's got the car and the home to go home to, and he's the one that's got homework in the evening time.

During the day, I'm busy and am the one being interrupted, but at night, he's the one that's got things to get back to. And when we hang out, he's always got something to get back to, but when he leaves me, he's leaving me by myself.

I sometimes love being by myself. I can write, read, draw, cook, eat, watch TV, take baths, make cards, try on outfits, organize, clean, pet my cats, browse through magazines, go for a walk, online shop, exercise, dance to music...the possibilities are endless. But for some reason, whenever he gets ready to leave me, I always feel a big sense of loss, not of freedom. I think I need to get better at saying goodbye. I need to get better at being alone. I need to get better at loving being with me.

I think this summer, when Dylan has class 4 nights a week, and us hanging out on weeknights becomes scarce, I think I will get better at being alone. I can go to my art class every week, hang out with my friends more, always have a clean house, go to the gym in the evenings, get more adventurous with my cooking, and make time for the things that are important to me...besides having a boyfriend. I'm really glad I started doing the art class. It's made me really happy and given me a big sense of myself back.

I think my next step will either be going to back to school for real or joining a new group - maybe singing, maybe public speaking, maybe volunteering...I don't know! I could do anything I set my mind to. The only thing that scares me about going back to school for my masters is not ever having any free time to myself. I love my evenings, and being able to work out when I want and watch mindless shows if I want, and go to bed early if I want. If my nights are always being taken up by class, and if not class, homework, then when am I going to have this precious me time?

I guess I should embrace it while I have it. That's it. I will declare this summer the summer of ME. I will do things that I've always wanted to do. I will make things happen. I will SEIZE LIFE BY THE CAJONES AND MAKE IT MY OWN. OK, maybe that was a little too far, but you see the point. I'm going to do this. I kind of want to go blond. But that's a lot of maintenance. I kind of want to get better at roller skating. I want to run along Kelly Drive some evening. But getting there and getting back could be such a pain in the tukus.

I want to read all of my magazines that have been piling up. If Vogue doesn't cancel my subscription soon, they'll never stop piling up! I figure if I can read one magazine a week on the train, and read my book nights and weekends, then I might be caught up on my magazines in a few months! Wouldn't that be awesome. Well, it looks like I'm coming to the end of my 750 words. This wasn't as hard as I thought it would be! Whoot! Let's see if I can do this tomorrow too!