I was in the shower last night and realized that I'm not very interesting. Yes, I can carry on interesting conversations with people, and talk about things that are beyond my daily routine, but for the most part, the things that are on my mind are my own concerns: my money, my health and body, my relationships and my job. And outside of that, what do I have?
Well, let's see. I like to read. I like music. I like going to concerts and downloading new singers and musicians, but I don't make music anymore. I like art and finding new artists, but I'm not particularly knowledgeable about any of them, nor do I make it a point to seek out art in my day to day life. I even stopped going to sketch class on Mondays and Wednesdays. I like cooking and dining out, but I don't think I know enough about gourmet food to be considered a true "foodie". And I love wine, but I'm definitely not up to speed enough about wines to be considered an expert on that. I enjoy political discussions, but I'm not informed enough. I love traveling, but I don't make or save enough money to do it regularly.
I guess what I'm saying is that I like a lot of things, but I don't think I'm particularly great at any one thing or pursue anything with abandon enough to say that I have a passion. So that most of the time, my brain is not consumed with any deep amazing thoughts that keep me in a state of thinking and thinking, I'm mostly pondering what I should do about my credit card debt and how I shouldn't have bought those concert tickets yesterday, even though it's going to be an amazing time.
I don't know if this means I should pick something to be passionate about and pursue it, or if I'm ok leading a life without that kind of fire for say ART! Or WINE! Cause I'm an ART PERSON! OR A WINE PERSON! Also, with all of my time spent seeing friends, running errands, going to the gym and working, I don't know when I would find extra time to put into something that I'm assuming would take a lot of extra time.
My dear friend Kaela volunteers as the Executive Director now (she has risen high in the ranks) of the Boho Theater Company in Chicago and spends many hours every week meeting, planning, coordinating, attending rehearsals or auditions and anything else that needs to be done. She does this in addition to her day job AND her school work (she is getting her masters degree currently). I cannot fathom how she finds the time for everything and still has time for herself.
I was actually thinking of applying to get a masters degree myself last year, before I made the decision to pursue writing at my company. I knew it would be a lot of work, and I vowed that I would still find time for all the things I loved. But to be honest, I don't know if I could have done it and still kept up with everything I want to do. At this point in my life, I am happy supplementing my knowledge and degree with conferences, meetup groups, articles and books: things that are manageable in pieces and do not span months or years of my life.
But this brings me back to the place where I still worry that I am not interesting enough. That I am not passionate enough about any one thing to be a person with passion. Does it count to be passionately in love with one's partner? Does being in love make you interesting? I'm thinking the world of single people thinks it does not. And I think it makes people glad that you're in a relationship that makes you happy, but they don't wish to see you more because of it. They don't say "Oh Amanda was cool before, but ever since she got that boyfriend, she's been AWESOME to hang out with!"
I guess to broaden that concept a bit more, I could simply be passionate about my relationships. I think that's what it's all about anyway. That's what I could dwell on in the dark of night: how to strengthen my relationships with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my coworkers. That's something that's important to me. And whether or not that makes me interesting, I guess will just have to be determined later. I could take all of my little interests and infuse them into my relationships in little ways thereby making them bigger by the communities of which they're a part. And that doesn't sound half bad.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Life is kicking along...in a good way.
I'm going a little crazy today. I don't know why. I'm just having trouble focusing. I guess you can't help that sometimes. Mostly, things are going really well. I really have very few complaints about my life, even though I bought a car without thinking and am living on a crazy budget all of a sudden. It's kind of an adventure...surviving without money. I'm digging it so far, but it's only been 2 weeks. Talk to me about it in 2 months.
My main goal is to keep putting money in savings and NOT rack up crazy credit card debt by doing so. If I can get to my bonus and tax return doing these two things (and that means making it past Atlantic City, DC, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas), I will be a champion in my own eyes.
Oh yeah, and while doing that, I'm trying to lose even more weight and take on a new role at my company while simultaneously doing the job I do now. Holy wow, it seems like I'm taking on a lot. I read on facebook the other day "If it scares you, you might want to think about doing it" or some such stuff. (That's not verbatim.) I believe that's what I'm doing with the second half of this year.
It's been a pretty awesome year with Dylan and reveling in all that being in love stuff, but I guess I was finally ready for new challenges, so I'm taking on the world. On top of the financial goals, the health goals and the work goals, I also want to volunteer! And organize my house, getting rid of things I don't need anymore. I'm supposed to tackle clothing tomorrow. I think it'll make getting dressed in the morning a lot easier if I'm not sifting through a million things to get to the clothes that fit and look good. It's the borderline stuff - the stuff you can pair with other things and have it look alright - that is going to be tough to deal with. I don't want to pare my wardrobe down so much that I only have a few outfits. But at the same time, if it doesn't fit, I've got to get rid of it and get a new one! Or get something else that's even better. Either way, I've got a lot of work ahead of me.
And maybe once all that money is saved up, and my credit card is free and clear, I can go on a little shopping spree and get myself some nice new clothes that fit well and are good quality. I'm thinking good stores + sales rack = the way to go.
Not even thinking of all the things I want to get for my house. I just wish Dylan was done with school sooner so we could start our dual income life. It's going to be a lot easier to afford things like vacuum cleaners and ironing boards and Dutch ovens, when I'm not the only one paying rent and utilities. I know it won't be perfect, and I know life will be an adjustment no matter what, but I'm really looking forward to building my life with him.
And of course, it has a hell of a lot more to do with waking up next to him each day and snuggling up to him each night than it does to do with splitting expenses. It's just a nice bonus, and I think once we're both working, we can have a really good life together. I'm excited for that day to come.
I have always had a hard time coming up with a 5 year plan, but I think I'm close to finally being able to come up with one! With work, my relationship, my goals...the stars are aligning, and I feel like the road in front of me is actually clearing up a little bit and I can see where it is that I'm going. That is, instead of just going day by day, week by week, and hoping I end up somewhere I want to be. Not that that hasn't worked out well for me these past few years! Nonetheless, I'm happy to say I'm in a good place, and working on making it even better. Here I go :)
My main goal is to keep putting money in savings and NOT rack up crazy credit card debt by doing so. If I can get to my bonus and tax return doing these two things (and that means making it past Atlantic City, DC, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas), I will be a champion in my own eyes.
Oh yeah, and while doing that, I'm trying to lose even more weight and take on a new role at my company while simultaneously doing the job I do now. Holy wow, it seems like I'm taking on a lot. I read on facebook the other day "If it scares you, you might want to think about doing it" or some such stuff. (That's not verbatim.) I believe that's what I'm doing with the second half of this year.
It's been a pretty awesome year with Dylan and reveling in all that being in love stuff, but I guess I was finally ready for new challenges, so I'm taking on the world. On top of the financial goals, the health goals and the work goals, I also want to volunteer! And organize my house, getting rid of things I don't need anymore. I'm supposed to tackle clothing tomorrow. I think it'll make getting dressed in the morning a lot easier if I'm not sifting through a million things to get to the clothes that fit and look good. It's the borderline stuff - the stuff you can pair with other things and have it look alright - that is going to be tough to deal with. I don't want to pare my wardrobe down so much that I only have a few outfits. But at the same time, if it doesn't fit, I've got to get rid of it and get a new one! Or get something else that's even better. Either way, I've got a lot of work ahead of me.
And maybe once all that money is saved up, and my credit card is free and clear, I can go on a little shopping spree and get myself some nice new clothes that fit well and are good quality. I'm thinking good stores + sales rack = the way to go.
Not even thinking of all the things I want to get for my house. I just wish Dylan was done with school sooner so we could start our dual income life. It's going to be a lot easier to afford things like vacuum cleaners and ironing boards and Dutch ovens, when I'm not the only one paying rent and utilities. I know it won't be perfect, and I know life will be an adjustment no matter what, but I'm really looking forward to building my life with him.
And of course, it has a hell of a lot more to do with waking up next to him each day and snuggling up to him each night than it does to do with splitting expenses. It's just a nice bonus, and I think once we're both working, we can have a really good life together. I'm excited for that day to come.
I have always had a hard time coming up with a 5 year plan, but I think I'm close to finally being able to come up with one! With work, my relationship, my goals...the stars are aligning, and I feel like the road in front of me is actually clearing up a little bit and I can see where it is that I'm going. That is, instead of just going day by day, week by week, and hoping I end up somewhere I want to be. Not that that hasn't worked out well for me these past few years! Nonetheless, I'm happy to say I'm in a good place, and working on making it even better. Here I go :)
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
To My Uncle Ed
We’re a loud and chatty and impossibly fun family, and Uncle Ed has always been a part of that. Uncle Ed wasn’t as loud as a lot of us are, but he was always able to cut through the noise with a keen observation or curious question, bantering with the best. It was the time he and I spent chatting the few times a year we’d get together that I’ll truly miss the most. He gave some of the best hugs ever. And that beard was legendary. He also had a gift for finding the coolest books – he found an author by my name once and proceeded to give and send me three of her books to add to my collection. Whether at my parents’ summer picnic, the annual Christmas party at Eileen’s or my occasional visit to Burlington, Uncle Ed and I always spent time chatting. And thanks to the magic of facebook, he always knew what was going on in my life. He helped me become a Red Sox fan transplant to Philadelphia, warning me of the dangers of Phillies-fan-dom. He got a call once for Comcast, my biggest client in Philly, and said he didn’t want to mention my name, since he didn’t want to brag that he knew me. He even got to know Dylan a bit last summer, and got to joking around with him on facebook as well. It meant a lot to me that he took such an interest in my life and always made sure I knew it.
From reading the messages from all his friends and family, I know that I was not alone in feeling this special bond with Uncle Ed. He lived his life simply, but fuller and more richly than many on this earth, making it about the connections he had and the lives he touched. I think all of us cousins, and his amazing kids Henry and Natalie, all got a bit of his sense of humor in our own. A wry observation, a good pun or a play on words will always remind me of Uncle Ed. His passing has made all of us cry, but I think he’d want us to remember how he’s made us all laugh hundreds of times over. That laughter and caring spirit is what will always stay with us, until the day we meet again. And just think, by the time we get to Heaven, Uncle Ed will have all the good bakeries and coffee shops scoped out and he’ll show us all around. We’ll love you always, Uncle Ed.
__________
I'm on the bus now to meet Josh and Kristi in Albany. We're going to go get some pizza and then I'm going to hang out with Meredith at my parents' house. To be honest, I could really use a drink. The past couple of days have been really crazy, and I wish I didn't feel this loss as deeply as I have, but maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it means it will get easier in time. Or maybe that's a crock, and I'll always feel loss like I do now. Tomorrow's the visiting hours and service. The words above are what I've written to read. I wanted to make a tribute somehow, because Uncle Ed was really one of my favorite relatives and meant a lot to me. I feel the worst for Natalie and Henry. I can't imagine losing my father at their age. Well, I can't imagine losing my father at my age. I know it'll happen someday, but I hope it's long after I'm married and my kids have gotten ample time to get to know and hang out with their Grandpa Ed. Natalie and Henry will never get that and that makes me so sad. I'm staying overnight in Vermont on Wednesday night so I can attend the burial on Thursday. And hopefully, have some time to hang out with my cousins. I want to see what they are all doing tomorrow night. Maybe this will give us some time to be with each other some more. This whole thing is making me think I need to work harder at knowing my family. They're the only ones I will ever have and they mean so much to me.
I also need to get something for my mom. I can't imagine losing my brother and this must be the hardest of all on her (in our family). Uncle Ed was such a strong presence in everyone's life, it'll be weird at family events now without him.
One good thing is that this has kind of put the whole work stress in perspective. And everyone from the office has been very supportive. Rob even gave me a hug :) They're good people, and I'm lucky to have them. And I'm lucky to have all of the family I'm off to see. Here goes.
From reading the messages from all his friends and family, I know that I was not alone in feeling this special bond with Uncle Ed. He lived his life simply, but fuller and more richly than many on this earth, making it about the connections he had and the lives he touched. I think all of us cousins, and his amazing kids Henry and Natalie, all got a bit of his sense of humor in our own. A wry observation, a good pun or a play on words will always remind me of Uncle Ed. His passing has made all of us cry, but I think he’d want us to remember how he’s made us all laugh hundreds of times over. That laughter and caring spirit is what will always stay with us, until the day we meet again. And just think, by the time we get to Heaven, Uncle Ed will have all the good bakeries and coffee shops scoped out and he’ll show us all around. We’ll love you always, Uncle Ed.
__________
I'm on the bus now to meet Josh and Kristi in Albany. We're going to go get some pizza and then I'm going to hang out with Meredith at my parents' house. To be honest, I could really use a drink. The past couple of days have been really crazy, and I wish I didn't feel this loss as deeply as I have, but maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it means it will get easier in time. Or maybe that's a crock, and I'll always feel loss like I do now. Tomorrow's the visiting hours and service. The words above are what I've written to read. I wanted to make a tribute somehow, because Uncle Ed was really one of my favorite relatives and meant a lot to me. I feel the worst for Natalie and Henry. I can't imagine losing my father at their age. Well, I can't imagine losing my father at my age. I know it'll happen someday, but I hope it's long after I'm married and my kids have gotten ample time to get to know and hang out with their Grandpa Ed. Natalie and Henry will never get that and that makes me so sad. I'm staying overnight in Vermont on Wednesday night so I can attend the burial on Thursday. And hopefully, have some time to hang out with my cousins. I want to see what they are all doing tomorrow night. Maybe this will give us some time to be with each other some more. This whole thing is making me think I need to work harder at knowing my family. They're the only ones I will ever have and they mean so much to me.
I also need to get something for my mom. I can't imagine losing my brother and this must be the hardest of all on her (in our family). Uncle Ed was such a strong presence in everyone's life, it'll be weird at family events now without him.
One good thing is that this has kind of put the whole work stress in perspective. And everyone from the office has been very supportive. Rob even gave me a hug :) They're good people, and I'm lucky to have them. And I'm lucky to have all of the family I'm off to see. Here goes.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Growing - Brains & Relationships
I guess I'm not doing the April challenge after all. And I sure as hell won't be doing a May challenge! May is going to be twice as busy as April! As long as I'm writing once or twice a week, I think I'll be OK.
I'm writing way more now between 750 words, my weekly blog entries, and my Yelp reviews! I've also been playing Scrabble with Dylan and Words with Friends online. I'm about to start taking fish oil supplements for the ol' brain. I've been reading almost everyday on the train to and from work. PLUS, I've been working on new projects at work - ones where I actually create work. I'm writing at work! And - AND! - I started going to art class! It's a great feeling.
I feel like my brain hasn't been this active in quite some time. I think I'm really growing, which is great. For a while, being in a relationship was the main growth I experienced. I'm still growing and changing in my relationship with Dylan as well, but now I feel like I'm challenging myself a bit more intellectually. It's important to me to keep my brain active, and I'm now more than ever considering grad school.
The time constraint thing isn't as scary to me as the money. The loans that I would inevitably have to get to pay for grad school I'd probably be paying until I'm 50, the way things are going with the loans I have now! I'm excited for the day that Dylan and I are both bringing in money, and we can have a stash in the bank for emergencies and I can throw $1000 at my loans every month to help pay them down. It'll be a great day. But I think instead of worrying about money, I should arrange some college visits and meet with the admissions people to see what they have to say about my experience, what I'd need to bring to the table, and what they could offer me. I think taking this on could give me a great sense of accomplishment, and further help me manage my time and resources.
Plus, Dylan brought something up last night that irked me a little. He brought up a comment I had made, based actually, upon one of my previous 750 words entries - how I don't like to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and how he always has something to return to, be it school or video games, and I don't. I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't have much to do. It was more that at the end of the night, I have to go to sleep, and he gets to go do SOMETHING. That he gets to stay up much later than me and work or play, I guess that's what I was pointing out.
Me being in school wouldn't change the fact that I need to go to bed at 11PM or so. It would just mean I'd be working on much more before that. I want Dylan to understand that my life is very full as it is. The people I love, the work I do, my house, my pets, my art, my entertainment, I feel like I am never bored and enjoy the things I do a great deal.
We had another topic come up last night when I asked him to spend the night tonight. He asked if we could wait until our planned weeknight sleepover for my birthday, which is two weeks away. Since he hasn't spent the night during the week in almost 2 months, I wondered why it was such a big deal to him to be with me twice in one month on weeknights. He said he'd much rather be in his own bed and be able to get ample sleep so he'd be fresh for school work the next day. When I countered that I'd drop most anything to be with him, he emphasized he'd do the same for me, except when it came to school. I guess I should be happy that that's the case, and I know if I really needed him, he'd be there. But the fact is, I'm not his top priority, and I think I may have made him mine, and that was a hard fact to swallow...
The driving issue also came up when we were talking about this; how, almost a year into being the one to always drive to see me or pick me up, he doesn't always feel like driving the 25 minutes to my house, but he does it anyway, because he wants to see me and always has a good time. It was kind of hard to hear that too, since I'm insecure about not having a car to come see him. I think I'm going to rent a car for his birthday, and do all of the driving that day. He brought up the driving issue when I made a comment about me working so hard in our relationship, and how he sometimes seems to want to do the easy or convenient thing. It's something that bugs me, but I don't want him to think I don't see all the hard work he puts into us.
I guess it goes back to that page I wrote in my book: "Instead of counting all the things he doesn't do, count all of the things he does do." I filled that page with reasons why I love him- all of the things he does for me. I love him very much, these relationships are just sometimes tough to take care of. You've got to be gentle, but also speak your mind, and always think of two people's feelings, instead of just your own. I think I'll get a hang of it someday. I hope so.
I'm writing way more now between 750 words, my weekly blog entries, and my Yelp reviews! I've also been playing Scrabble with Dylan and Words with Friends online. I'm about to start taking fish oil supplements for the ol' brain. I've been reading almost everyday on the train to and from work. PLUS, I've been working on new projects at work - ones where I actually create work. I'm writing at work! And - AND! - I started going to art class! It's a great feeling.
I feel like my brain hasn't been this active in quite some time. I think I'm really growing, which is great. For a while, being in a relationship was the main growth I experienced. I'm still growing and changing in my relationship with Dylan as well, but now I feel like I'm challenging myself a bit more intellectually. It's important to me to keep my brain active, and I'm now more than ever considering grad school.
The time constraint thing isn't as scary to me as the money. The loans that I would inevitably have to get to pay for grad school I'd probably be paying until I'm 50, the way things are going with the loans I have now! I'm excited for the day that Dylan and I are both bringing in money, and we can have a stash in the bank for emergencies and I can throw $1000 at my loans every month to help pay them down. It'll be a great day. But I think instead of worrying about money, I should arrange some college visits and meet with the admissions people to see what they have to say about my experience, what I'd need to bring to the table, and what they could offer me. I think taking this on could give me a great sense of accomplishment, and further help me manage my time and resources.
Plus, Dylan brought something up last night that irked me a little. He brought up a comment I had made, based actually, upon one of my previous 750 words entries - how I don't like to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and how he always has something to return to, be it school or video games, and I don't. I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't have much to do. It was more that at the end of the night, I have to go to sleep, and he gets to go do SOMETHING. That he gets to stay up much later than me and work or play, I guess that's what I was pointing out.
Me being in school wouldn't change the fact that I need to go to bed at 11PM or so. It would just mean I'd be working on much more before that. I want Dylan to understand that my life is very full as it is. The people I love, the work I do, my house, my pets, my art, my entertainment, I feel like I am never bored and enjoy the things I do a great deal.
We had another topic come up last night when I asked him to spend the night tonight. He asked if we could wait until our planned weeknight sleepover for my birthday, which is two weeks away. Since he hasn't spent the night during the week in almost 2 months, I wondered why it was such a big deal to him to be with me twice in one month on weeknights. He said he'd much rather be in his own bed and be able to get ample sleep so he'd be fresh for school work the next day. When I countered that I'd drop most anything to be with him, he emphasized he'd do the same for me, except when it came to school. I guess I should be happy that that's the case, and I know if I really needed him, he'd be there. But the fact is, I'm not his top priority, and I think I may have made him mine, and that was a hard fact to swallow...
The driving issue also came up when we were talking about this; how, almost a year into being the one to always drive to see me or pick me up, he doesn't always feel like driving the 25 minutes to my house, but he does it anyway, because he wants to see me and always has a good time. It was kind of hard to hear that too, since I'm insecure about not having a car to come see him. I think I'm going to rent a car for his birthday, and do all of the driving that day. He brought up the driving issue when I made a comment about me working so hard in our relationship, and how he sometimes seems to want to do the easy or convenient thing. It's something that bugs me, but I don't want him to think I don't see all the hard work he puts into us.
I guess it goes back to that page I wrote in my book: "Instead of counting all the things he doesn't do, count all of the things he does do." I filled that page with reasons why I love him- all of the things he does for me. I love him very much, these relationships are just sometimes tough to take care of. You've got to be gentle, but also speak your mind, and always think of two people's feelings, instead of just your own. I think I'll get a hang of it someday. I hope so.
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