On Restructuring

With change, always comes a little pain. Even with change for the better, there are always questions and uncertainty and upsets within the system. Recently at work, we've been going through what has been called a time of restructuring. I've had many interesting conversations with people in different parts of the company to get their take on what this means, and really, from all angles, I get a resounding answer of "we don't know yet." This "yet" tacked on gives it a sense of temporary being, that we don't know what exactly the future will be, but we'll get there together, and once we're there, we'll know!

It's tough to be at a company for a long period of time and be completely content. Especially a company that has gone through as many changes as mine has. It was acquired back in 2008 when it was a small marketing firm, and has since grown and changed and evolved into the creative arm of a very large, very robust consulting company that seems to want it to do one thing, when it clearly wants to do quite another. Some people seem on board with the changes, but these people appear to be already doing the work that aligns with what the new structure needs most.

I hesitate to say which side of the fence I'm on because of a few things. I have a job. I have a secure job, serving two clients, in two different capacities. One of these is a writing job, which I'm very happy with, and my job isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I am lucky and grateful to have my job. The second thing is that I have the opportunity for growth. I don't know how or when the next bout of growth will happen, but it's happened already in the past year by leaps and bounds, and I can only see myself continuing to grow and develop here as time goes on. Lastly, I work with some of the best people I know. And I have no doubt that I will be taken care of no matter what happens.

So, let's restructure. Let's see where it takes us. To infinity and beyond. I'm ready to ride this thing out for the next year and see where we all end up.

California Musings

It's been seven years since that trip to California. Since I flew too high and crashed into the sun. Since I felt my brain connecting in a million new ways. It's been seven years of rebuilding, rebirth. Seven years of pills and talking about my struggles and my challenges. Seven years to reclaim what I lost in California and start a new life - one I could be proud of and feel I worked hard for.

It's been a long road to get back here - to get back to a place where I could be on hundred percent ready for these experiences - emotionally, financially, mentally. It's important to me now to do things right - do them well and for the right reasons. I came to California this time for much the same reason I came last time - to experience a new world and and new people, new foods and new sights. To spend time with friends of course, as well, but ultimately, to find adventure and on the way, find out a bit more about myself.

What I have found that is dramatically different about the last time I was here is that I am much more confident in myself, my opinions, my needs and in the things that will make me happy. I feel I was much less likely to speak up for myself at twenty-one than I am at twenty-eight. I am much more fully myself, and while I felt a part of things when we came last time, I feel now I am more present, more connected to the people I'm with and the experiences we share.

To embody this spirit of being truly oneself, speaking up for what you want, being who you are and connecting with everything and everyone around you, is to be more fully alive. I find myself remembering a lot of insecurities from when I came here at twenty-one. I wanted people to like me and I wanted to fit in, I wanted to sound intelligent and I wanted to be desirable. Now that I already feel an internal confidence about these aspects of myself, I am no long seeking this approval elsewhere.

I by no means feel finished these days - I do not feel enlightened or necessarily more empowered than I did seven years ago. But I do feel more myself, more grounded in what I believe and who it is I want to be. I think that the longer we live, the more of ourselves comes out of us and the more sure of who we are we become.

But we will never be finished becoming who we are. We will never wake up to discover that, yes, today is the day I am the person I will be, unchanging, for the rest of my life. We will continue to grow, to build upon our lives in ways that change us and make us more ourselves than we've ever been.

Maybe I can come to California again - if not in another seven years, then sometime in the future. Maybe I can come for new experience, to reset my brain and truly think about what it is that I believe in. I don't know who that woman will be, but I think I have an idea that I'll like her very much.

Do You Worry About How Interesting You Are? Because I Do...

I was in the shower last night and realized that I'm not very interesting. Yes, I can carry on interesting conversations with people, and talk about things that are beyond my daily routine, but for the most part, the things that are on my mind are my own concerns: my money, my health and body, my relationships and my job. And outside of that, what do I have?

Well, let's see. I like to read. I like music. I like going to concerts and downloading new singers and musicians, but I don't make music anymore. I like art and finding new artists, but I'm not particularly knowledgeable about any of them, nor do I make it a point to seek out art in my day to day life. I even stopped going to sketch class on Mondays and Wednesdays. I like cooking and dining out, but I don't think I know enough about gourmet food to be considered a true "foodie". And I love wine, but I'm definitely not up to speed enough about wines to be considered an expert on that. I enjoy political discussions, but I'm not informed enough. I love traveling, but I don't make or save enough money to do it regularly.

I guess what I'm saying is that I like a lot of things, but I don't think I'm particularly great at any one thing or pursue anything with abandon enough to say that I have a passion. So that most of the time, my brain is not consumed with any deep amazing thoughts that keep me in a state of thinking and thinking, I'm mostly pondering what I should do about my credit card debt and how I shouldn't have bought those concert tickets yesterday, even though it's going to be an amazing time.

I don't know if this means I should pick something to be passionate about and pursue it, or if I'm ok leading a life without that kind of fire for say ART! Or WINE! Cause I'm an ART PERSON! OR A WINE PERSON! Also, with all of my time spent seeing friends, running errands, going to the gym and working, I don't know when I would find extra time to put into something that I'm assuming would take a lot of extra time.

My dear friend Kaela volunteers as the Executive Director now (she has risen high in the ranks) of the Boho Theater Company in Chicago and spends many hours every week meeting, planning, coordinating, attending rehearsals or auditions and anything else that needs to be done. She does this in addition to her day job AND her school work (she is getting her masters degree currently). I cannot fathom how she finds the time for everything and still has time for herself.

I was actually thinking of applying to get a masters degree myself last year, before I made the decision to pursue writing at my company. I knew it would be a lot of work, and I vowed that I would still find time for all the things I loved. But to be honest, I don't know if I could have done it and still kept up with everything I want to do. At this point in my life, I am happy supplementing my knowledge and degree with conferences, meetup groups, articles and books: things that are manageable in pieces and do not span months or years of my life.

But this brings me back to the place where I still worry that I am not interesting enough. That I am not passionate enough about any one thing to be a person with passion. Does it count to be passionately in love with one's partner? Does being in love make you interesting? I'm thinking the world of single people thinks it does not. And I think it makes people glad that you're in a relationship that makes you happy, but they don't wish to see you more because of it. They don't say "Oh Amanda was cool before, but ever since she got that boyfriend, she's been AWESOME to hang out with!"

I guess to broaden that concept a bit more, I could simply be passionate about my relationships. I think that's what it's all about anyway. That's what I could dwell on in the dark of night: how to strengthen my relationships with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my coworkers. That's something that's important to me. And whether or not that makes me interesting, I guess will just have to be determined later. I could take all of my little interests and infuse them into my relationships in little ways thereby making them bigger by the communities of which they're a part. And that doesn't sound half bad.

Feeling Needed...or Not.

This is a little excerpt from my 750 words from today. Just a blurb. Have a good day everyone!

And on a note I was going to tackle last week or yesterday, I would really like to cut down on my overwhelming desire to be needed. Or desire to be included. I understand that I don't need to be a part of every conversation that goes on at work. I don't need to be in every group photo that my friends take. I don't need to be the one that everyone goes to for advice. I don't need to be the one that the client emails every time. But I feel like when all of those things go out the window a little bit, and I'm left to fend for myself in a world where I might not feel so needed, it's tough for me to feel worth what I am. I know in the smart part of my brain that people love me, enjoy my company, like talking to me and care about me. I know in the smart part of my brain that people need me in their lives, or need me at work. But in the insecure part of my brain that works overtime sometimes, when things aren't going my way, I get worried that these things aren't true, and I've been deluding myself into just THINKING that people like and need me. So what I've decided is that I need to cut down on my need to feel needed. Say THAT five times fast. I'm not sure how to begin this. Anyone have any ideas?

Is it OK to be Lazy?

I usually have to have had a very rough day, or be very tired to not do much when I get home. If I don't have plans after to work to meet someone for dinner, drinks, or the like, I'll usually have a bunch of things planned to do after work. I find that if I launch into tasks directly after getting home, then I get them done. I just can't stop moving. Occasionally, I'm able to relax for a little while, then start doing what I need to do, but for the most part, I need to GO GO GO, or I'm at a loss for the evening.

Such as last night. I came home, and while wearing a sweater seemed like a sound choice at 7AM when it was only 50 degrees out, it was a little hot walking home from the grocery store at 6PM when it was 75 degrees out. By the time I arrived home, I was sweaty and a little tired. All I wanted to do was bask in the air conditioning and watch some television. And that I did. But I didn't feel good about myself. Not that I was actually angry at myself, but I just felt...normal, I guess? I bet a lot of people come home at night and watch television and eat carbs and dessert. And I guess I was kind of ahead of the game. I went grocery shopping! I cleaned the cat littler. I did my dishes after dinner. I wasn't a complete waste of space. But I didn't accomplish all the adult tasks that I feel keep me on track to being responsible and having a clean apartment and making myself feel complete.

I guess it's because I don't have a lot of time on the weekends to do chores and tasks around my house. I am sure it'll be different when Dylan and I live together, and we can be in one house, with him doing homework and me doing housework. I hope that it doesn't create problems, but it seems like it will actually solve a lot of problems. And make me really, really happy. But I think because now our weekends are so fun and joyful and consist of us entertaining ourselves in various ways, we don't focus a lot of our weekend time on getting stuff done, which we might want to start doing as we get older. Maybe when that day comes, I'll feel less bad about being lazy on weeknights, because I'll feel like there will be time to do all those "adult" things I need to do coming soon.

What Do I Think?

That's the questions I decided to tackle today.

I believe I tend to think about myself, like most people, but I also have an awareness of the people around me. I think about things that are going on in my life. I think about the people I care about. I think about money, how I'm going to save it, how I'm going to spend it, how I'm going to make it all work. I think about the things I need to get. I think about the things in my house I have to clean. I think about the food I've eaten today. I think about the food in my fridge, and what I will cook with it, and when. I think about work that I have to do. I think about how I will fill my days. I think about when I will work out. I think about when I'm going to see my friends or my family. I think about upcoming plans. I try to think through how things are going to work out on certain busy days. I try to think ahead to things I need to figure out.

I think a lot about building my future with Dylan, and what that will look like someday. I think about what our family will be like. I think about what our house will look like. I think about how in love we are now, and about how we're trying to foster that love every day to keep it alive and healthy.

I think a lot about things when I'm talking to other people. People can bring out deep thoughts in me, like how we're all connected, how we can better help the world, and how our society is both growing and changing all the time. I don't think about such big things on my own usually.

Reading makes me think too. I love reading novels and magazines, because they make me think in different ways. Magazines like Philadelphia make me think about the city I live in, and all of the things I don't know about it. And all of the restaurants I want to try! Magazines like Vogue or Vanity Fair make me think about people I'll never meet and places I might never go to. It makes me think about how my life would be different if I were more privileged or had been born into a different family. It makes me think about how I might be more driven or more creative or more successful if I had had a different upbringing, if I had been pushed more, encouraged more, or afforded more opportunity.

But I do think a lot about the opportunity I was afforded. I think about how lucky I am to have two parents who are still together that love me and each other and my brother so much, that they'd give us anything they can. I think about my parents a lot, and how much I love them and want them to be happy. I think that if I ever won the lottery how I'd buy them a new house and get one of those fancy professional organizers to go through all of their stuff and make it manageable. I think about all the trips we'd take as a family, and about how I'd make sure they lived out the rest of their lives as comfortable as they'd ever been.

I think about what I can do for them in the meantime, without winning the lottery. I think that if I'm able to show them through phone calls, cards, letters and visits that I care about them and want to be in their lives even though I'm far away, then they'll know how much I love them. I think that telling people you love them is one of the most important things. I think saying it to friends is important, even if you're drunk. I think that making sure people know that you care about them is imperative in having relationships.

I think that being with Dylan has taught me a lot about loving and living as someone's partner. I think about him a lot, and how I can make him happy. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about his birthday, and our anniversary, and how I can make them special for him. I think about all the birthdays and anniversaries to come, and I want them all to be special.

I think about so many things, many of them revolving around my life and the things I do, but I guess that's natural. I've always considered myself a thoughtful person, I try hard to be one now. And I hope I always will think, when making decisions, when letting ideas marinate, when reading, when riding the train, when making people happy, when doing work. I hope I never stop thinking hard about the world, but sometimes, it's good to let go a bit and not think so hard. I hope I can embrace that too!