How I Want to Love

I want to love with my whole heart. Not the pieces that are easily accessible or guarded or dispensable. I want to love with a completeness that comes from all of me.

I want to love, not change. I want to grow in love, not bend it to my will. I want it to shape me as much as I shape it.

I do not want to bring my prejudices into love. I want to love with acceptance. I want to love in a way that brings peace and security, not questions and self doubt.

I want to love brightly and with energy. I want to love actively, forever curious, forever reaching out my hand for more. To help more, to comfort more, to be kind, to hold another hand in mine. I want to love in the time I am awake, so I can take my love to dream.

I want to love softly and gently. I want to love with a calm voice. I want to love sweetly, but never with saccharin or sarcasm. Because my love is genuine and I want its true light to shine through.

I want to love with deep passion. I want to share beliefs about the world and hold them to be true with each step I take. I want to love all creatures equally and never know what it is like to harm another.

I want to love my family, my friends, my peers. I want to love myself. I want to love all of the things we are together and all of the things we can be on our own.

I want to love you as you want to be loved. No more, or no less, with just the right brushstrokes, using just the rights colors, to paint a picture of the love we've shared through many years. So we can look back someday and remember that every day, in love, we were blessed.

That is how I want to love.

Do You Worry About How Interesting You Are? Because I Do...

I was in the shower last night and realized that I'm not very interesting. Yes, I can carry on interesting conversations with people, and talk about things that are beyond my daily routine, but for the most part, the things that are on my mind are my own concerns: my money, my health and body, my relationships and my job. And outside of that, what do I have?

Well, let's see. I like to read. I like music. I like going to concerts and downloading new singers and musicians, but I don't make music anymore. I like art and finding new artists, but I'm not particularly knowledgeable about any of them, nor do I make it a point to seek out art in my day to day life. I even stopped going to sketch class on Mondays and Wednesdays. I like cooking and dining out, but I don't think I know enough about gourmet food to be considered a true "foodie". And I love wine, but I'm definitely not up to speed enough about wines to be considered an expert on that. I enjoy political discussions, but I'm not informed enough. I love traveling, but I don't make or save enough money to do it regularly.

I guess what I'm saying is that I like a lot of things, but I don't think I'm particularly great at any one thing or pursue anything with abandon enough to say that I have a passion. So that most of the time, my brain is not consumed with any deep amazing thoughts that keep me in a state of thinking and thinking, I'm mostly pondering what I should do about my credit card debt and how I shouldn't have bought those concert tickets yesterday, even though it's going to be an amazing time.

I don't know if this means I should pick something to be passionate about and pursue it, or if I'm ok leading a life without that kind of fire for say ART! Or WINE! Cause I'm an ART PERSON! OR A WINE PERSON! Also, with all of my time spent seeing friends, running errands, going to the gym and working, I don't know when I would find extra time to put into something that I'm assuming would take a lot of extra time.

My dear friend Kaela volunteers as the Executive Director now (she has risen high in the ranks) of the Boho Theater Company in Chicago and spends many hours every week meeting, planning, coordinating, attending rehearsals or auditions and anything else that needs to be done. She does this in addition to her day job AND her school work (she is getting her masters degree currently). I cannot fathom how she finds the time for everything and still has time for herself.

I was actually thinking of applying to get a masters degree myself last year, before I made the decision to pursue writing at my company. I knew it would be a lot of work, and I vowed that I would still find time for all the things I loved. But to be honest, I don't know if I could have done it and still kept up with everything I want to do. At this point in my life, I am happy supplementing my knowledge and degree with conferences, meetup groups, articles and books: things that are manageable in pieces and do not span months or years of my life.

But this brings me back to the place where I still worry that I am not interesting enough. That I am not passionate enough about any one thing to be a person with passion. Does it count to be passionately in love with one's partner? Does being in love make you interesting? I'm thinking the world of single people thinks it does not. And I think it makes people glad that you're in a relationship that makes you happy, but they don't wish to see you more because of it. They don't say "Oh Amanda was cool before, but ever since she got that boyfriend, she's been AWESOME to hang out with!"

I guess to broaden that concept a bit more, I could simply be passionate about my relationships. I think that's what it's all about anyway. That's what I could dwell on in the dark of night: how to strengthen my relationships with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my coworkers. That's something that's important to me. And whether or not that makes me interesting, I guess will just have to be determined later. I could take all of my little interests and infuse them into my relationships in little ways thereby making them bigger by the communities of which they're a part. And that doesn't sound half bad.

What Do I Love?

That was my question for today. Yesterday, I touched upon a couple of the things in this world that I like, but love goes much deeper than that. Do I love clouds? Do I love cooking? Probably! But when I think of things I love, my mind immediately goes to people. But is that answering the question? Wouldn't talking about all of the people I love be more of an answer to the question, "Who do I love?" I guess if I were to think in terms of "what" and not "who," I'd be able to come up with just a couple.

I love my body. I love making healthy decisions for my body. I love that I made the decision to start taking care of myself a few years back, and have dedicated myself to that as much as I can. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I sometimes eat dessert, and some days I don't feel like working out...and I just about NEVER work out on the weekends, but what's important is that I'm making good choices most of the time. I love my body for all it does. I know it has lots of quirks. My toe hurts in half the shoes I wear, I always seem to have a pimple on my chin, I can't seem to get my arms toned, but my body has come a long way from where it was. I love that I can run 3 miles now. I love that I can lift weights without quitting after 10 reps. I love that I use music to motivate myself when I run or circuit train. I love the feeling of getting my heart rate up, working hard, and really breaking a sweat. I love making good decisions when it comes to what I eat. I love choosing vegetables and proteins. I love that I can still eat carbs. I love that I DO still let myself eat dessert some times. I love that I can still eat French fries. I love that I've been on this journey for three years, and I am fitter now than I've been since I was 21. I love that I know so much more now about how to treat my body. I love that taking care of myself means making myself a priority. I love that I work somewhere that supports this. I love that the people in my life support me in this.

I love stars. The other night, I took a friend's daughter (1 1/2 years old) outside in the evening, and we looked up at the stars. There were a couple blinking lights from planes in the sky as well, and the whole vastness of it all really sank in. I love that looking at the stars can make me feel so small. At the same time, I love that stars show you that no matter how far away you are from something, you can still shine through and make an impact on it. I mostly love to gaze at stars. I love laying on the ground in the summer at night, and trying to find the constellations.

I love food. I love trying different kinds of food. This is so close to cooking, and kind of close to loving my body, and taking care of it. But I don't care. It must be said. I love food, and I love to eat. I love that in the past 10 years, I have added so many new cuisines to my repertoire. I love Indian food, Thai food, Japanese food, Ethiopian food, Middle Eastern food...and of course, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, Southern, and good old American standards. I love trying fresh foods. I love my organic produce delivery that keeps me eating fruit almost every day, and trying new veggies. I love everything about food, and damn is this making me hungry.

One more. I love Philadelphia. I have had such an incredible time building a life here, and find my decision to move here one of the best things I've ever done. I've never felt lacking in art or music. I've met amazing people. I've been able to branch out in terms of restaurants and plays and bars and stores. I love working in Philadelphia. I love being able to go the gym on my lunch break. I love being able to walk to dozens of restaurants from work. I love my local pub, and my daily free pint I won. I love the skyline. I love the commute into the city. I love it all.

I could go on...for ages. Maybe a "What do I love: Part II" post is in order for the future!