Do You Worry About How Interesting You Are? Because I Do...

I was in the shower last night and realized that I'm not very interesting. Yes, I can carry on interesting conversations with people, and talk about things that are beyond my daily routine, but for the most part, the things that are on my mind are my own concerns: my money, my health and body, my relationships and my job. And outside of that, what do I have?

Well, let's see. I like to read. I like music. I like going to concerts and downloading new singers and musicians, but I don't make music anymore. I like art and finding new artists, but I'm not particularly knowledgeable about any of them, nor do I make it a point to seek out art in my day to day life. I even stopped going to sketch class on Mondays and Wednesdays. I like cooking and dining out, but I don't think I know enough about gourmet food to be considered a true "foodie". And I love wine, but I'm definitely not up to speed enough about wines to be considered an expert on that. I enjoy political discussions, but I'm not informed enough. I love traveling, but I don't make or save enough money to do it regularly.

I guess what I'm saying is that I like a lot of things, but I don't think I'm particularly great at any one thing or pursue anything with abandon enough to say that I have a passion. So that most of the time, my brain is not consumed with any deep amazing thoughts that keep me in a state of thinking and thinking, I'm mostly pondering what I should do about my credit card debt and how I shouldn't have bought those concert tickets yesterday, even though it's going to be an amazing time.

I don't know if this means I should pick something to be passionate about and pursue it, or if I'm ok leading a life without that kind of fire for say ART! Or WINE! Cause I'm an ART PERSON! OR A WINE PERSON! Also, with all of my time spent seeing friends, running errands, going to the gym and working, I don't know when I would find extra time to put into something that I'm assuming would take a lot of extra time.

My dear friend Kaela volunteers as the Executive Director now (she has risen high in the ranks) of the Boho Theater Company in Chicago and spends many hours every week meeting, planning, coordinating, attending rehearsals or auditions and anything else that needs to be done. She does this in addition to her day job AND her school work (she is getting her masters degree currently). I cannot fathom how she finds the time for everything and still has time for herself.

I was actually thinking of applying to get a masters degree myself last year, before I made the decision to pursue writing at my company. I knew it would be a lot of work, and I vowed that I would still find time for all the things I loved. But to be honest, I don't know if I could have done it and still kept up with everything I want to do. At this point in my life, I am happy supplementing my knowledge and degree with conferences, meetup groups, articles and books: things that are manageable in pieces and do not span months or years of my life.

But this brings me back to the place where I still worry that I am not interesting enough. That I am not passionate enough about any one thing to be a person with passion. Does it count to be passionately in love with one's partner? Does being in love make you interesting? I'm thinking the world of single people thinks it does not. And I think it makes people glad that you're in a relationship that makes you happy, but they don't wish to see you more because of it. They don't say "Oh Amanda was cool before, but ever since she got that boyfriend, she's been AWESOME to hang out with!"

I guess to broaden that concept a bit more, I could simply be passionate about my relationships. I think that's what it's all about anyway. That's what I could dwell on in the dark of night: how to strengthen my relationships with my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my coworkers. That's something that's important to me. And whether or not that makes me interesting, I guess will just have to be determined later. I could take all of my little interests and infuse them into my relationships in little ways thereby making them bigger by the communities of which they're a part. And that doesn't sound half bad.

What Do I Think?

That's the questions I decided to tackle today.

I believe I tend to think about myself, like most people, but I also have an awareness of the people around me. I think about things that are going on in my life. I think about the people I care about. I think about money, how I'm going to save it, how I'm going to spend it, how I'm going to make it all work. I think about the things I need to get. I think about the things in my house I have to clean. I think about the food I've eaten today. I think about the food in my fridge, and what I will cook with it, and when. I think about work that I have to do. I think about how I will fill my days. I think about when I will work out. I think about when I'm going to see my friends or my family. I think about upcoming plans. I try to think through how things are going to work out on certain busy days. I try to think ahead to things I need to figure out.

I think a lot about building my future with Dylan, and what that will look like someday. I think about what our family will be like. I think about what our house will look like. I think about how in love we are now, and about how we're trying to foster that love every day to keep it alive and healthy.

I think a lot about things when I'm talking to other people. People can bring out deep thoughts in me, like how we're all connected, how we can better help the world, and how our society is both growing and changing all the time. I don't think about such big things on my own usually.

Reading makes me think too. I love reading novels and magazines, because they make me think in different ways. Magazines like Philadelphia make me think about the city I live in, and all of the things I don't know about it. And all of the restaurants I want to try! Magazines like Vogue or Vanity Fair make me think about people I'll never meet and places I might never go to. It makes me think about how my life would be different if I were more privileged or had been born into a different family. It makes me think about how I might be more driven or more creative or more successful if I had had a different upbringing, if I had been pushed more, encouraged more, or afforded more opportunity.

But I do think a lot about the opportunity I was afforded. I think about how lucky I am to have two parents who are still together that love me and each other and my brother so much, that they'd give us anything they can. I think about my parents a lot, and how much I love them and want them to be happy. I think that if I ever won the lottery how I'd buy them a new house and get one of those fancy professional organizers to go through all of their stuff and make it manageable. I think about all the trips we'd take as a family, and about how I'd make sure they lived out the rest of their lives as comfortable as they'd ever been.

I think about what I can do for them in the meantime, without winning the lottery. I think that if I'm able to show them through phone calls, cards, letters and visits that I care about them and want to be in their lives even though I'm far away, then they'll know how much I love them. I think that telling people you love them is one of the most important things. I think saying it to friends is important, even if you're drunk. I think that making sure people know that you care about them is imperative in having relationships.

I think that being with Dylan has taught me a lot about loving and living as someone's partner. I think about him a lot, and how I can make him happy. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about his birthday, and our anniversary, and how I can make them special for him. I think about all the birthdays and anniversaries to come, and I want them all to be special.

I think about so many things, many of them revolving around my life and the things I do, but I guess that's natural. I've always considered myself a thoughtful person, I try hard to be one now. And I hope I always will think, when making decisions, when letting ideas marinate, when reading, when riding the train, when making people happy, when doing work. I hope I never stop thinking hard about the world, but sometimes, it's good to let go a bit and not think so hard. I hope I can embrace that too!