California Musings

It's been seven years since that trip to California. Since I flew too high and crashed into the sun. Since I felt my brain connecting in a million new ways. It's been seven years of rebuilding, rebirth. Seven years of pills and talking about my struggles and my challenges. Seven years to reclaim what I lost in California and start a new life - one I could be proud of and feel I worked hard for.

It's been a long road to get back here - to get back to a place where I could be on hundred percent ready for these experiences - emotionally, financially, mentally. It's important to me now to do things right - do them well and for the right reasons. I came to California this time for much the same reason I came last time - to experience a new world and and new people, new foods and new sights. To spend time with friends of course, as well, but ultimately, to find adventure and on the way, find out a bit more about myself.

What I have found that is dramatically different about the last time I was here is that I am much more confident in myself, my opinions, my needs and in the things that will make me happy. I feel I was much less likely to speak up for myself at twenty-one than I am at twenty-eight. I am much more fully myself, and while I felt a part of things when we came last time, I feel now I am more present, more connected to the people I'm with and the experiences we share.

To embody this spirit of being truly oneself, speaking up for what you want, being who you are and connecting with everything and everyone around you, is to be more fully alive. I find myself remembering a lot of insecurities from when I came here at twenty-one. I wanted people to like me and I wanted to fit in, I wanted to sound intelligent and I wanted to be desirable. Now that I already feel an internal confidence about these aspects of myself, I am no long seeking this approval elsewhere.

I by no means feel finished these days - I do not feel enlightened or necessarily more empowered than I did seven years ago. But I do feel more myself, more grounded in what I believe and who it is I want to be. I think that the longer we live, the more of ourselves comes out of us and the more sure of who we are we become.

But we will never be finished becoming who we are. We will never wake up to discover that, yes, today is the day I am the person I will be, unchanging, for the rest of my life. We will continue to grow, to build upon our lives in ways that change us and make us more ourselves than we've ever been.

Maybe I can come to California again - if not in another seven years, then sometime in the future. Maybe I can come for new experience, to reset my brain and truly think about what it is that I believe in. I don't know who that woman will be, but I think I have an idea that I'll like her very much.

Remember when I didn't drink coffee for a whole year?

And now I can't seem to go a day without a cup? At least I've gotten away from drinking 3 or 4 cups every day. I try to limit myself to one, maybe two. But I kind of miss those days of freedom where I'd start my day feeling more energized and not like the coffee was the light at the end of the sleepy tunnel that would start my day off right for me. There's just something about that sweet, smokey elixir that makes everything seem right with the world. I can't shake it, and I think coffee and I are going to be friends for a long, long time.

Let's Not Talk About Money, M'k?

I cannot believe how fast these days are going by. They're great days, and I'm having lots of fun and learning a lot, but they're just flying by me like nothing else. We're almost at the end of February. This weekend is Callan's birthday, next weekend is our night with Liza and Janire, and the weekend after that, I'll be in San Francisco! After that, time will keep flying and we'll be doing our sexy photoshoot for Jess' birthday, then my conference, then hanging with Anya and Jeff and Jen and Mark in NY and then it's almost April!

Whew. I need to take a breath. I feel like I'm in overdrive a little bit. The good news is I'm doing well with everything. My health, my body, my brain, my work, my friends, my family, everything seems to be in balance. A negative person might think that this is a sign that something is about to go wrong. The optimist that I am thinks that negative person might be right, but damn it, I don't care because my life is great right now and that's all I have to worry about. That's the attitude I try to keep, anyway.

I love looking back at the past 4 years and seeing how far I've come from the scared, heavy set, stressed out, confused girl who was somehow full of wonder and awe at all of the opportunity and the world around her. That girl was too scared by her bosses to sit in and contribute in a Zip Car meeting. That girl who was not too scared to take off to New York City without a place to stay on a Friday night, knowing it would all work out. That girl was me, and I'm proud of who she was.

She's grown up a lot. Boy, when I look back on all the mistakes I made with my money back then...and my bills...and my life. But that was just part of growing up. Now, I know to stock money away into savings, pay off my credit cards when I can, and not to rack up too much excessive debt, although as I learned even this year, I suck at following my own rules sometimes!

By reading blogs and paying close attention to my debt and bottom lines, the important thing that I'm gaining this year is an overall awareness of my financial state that was just coming into being a few years ago. Seeing how far I've come since college is an even more drastic change. I don't know how I lived like I did, leeching off of my loans and making big purchases and never looking back. I was not accountable for my actions and it manifested itself in debt and poor life choices. But now, 6 or 7 years later, I am worlds farther than I was back then and making rather good choices.

I'm working on pumping up my 401K, my savings account, and paying off my credit card debt. Less than $1800 to go on that last one. And then, I am doing my best to stay credit card debt free for 1 year. That is one of my goals. In that time, I should be able to build up a healthy emergency fund of a few thousand dollars for things that come up and then I'll never have to rely on my credit cards again, except to help build my credit and earn me free flights! That was not such a bad bonus of getting my Southwest credit card, though my overzealous use of the card and racking up $2500 in debt was not so fun.

I'm on an unofficial shopping hiatus right now. I am only buying: food, pet supplies, toiletries, household essentials and occasional dining/drinking out. Otherwise, all of my money will go to bills and savings. This is going to be hard with traveling, but I think it'll be worth it once I hit $1000 in my savings account and (gasp) maybe even can take some out of there to use for trips in between paychecks. It's hard right now, since I'm paying back my two (TWO) 401K loans and I just increased my 401K contributions AAAAND taxes went up for 2013. So my paycheck looks and feels pretty measly. But I'm probably getting a raise (fingers crossed) in March and HOPEFULLY a bonus to help eradicate a bit more of my credit card debt. And then, a few months later, my loans will be paid off and I'll have more money to put towards my goals. My new money mantra: MAKE IT TO AUGUST.

Just, you know, a regular Monday... :)

It's Monday! And I didn't have a bad day! Even though I slept in! And I had a shit ton to do! And I made it to the gym! And ran all of my errands! And I'm making dinner for Dylan and me! It's Monday and everything is OK! I can't take these things for granted because just a couple of months ago, this was unheard of. Or at least rate. But I am eternally grateful for my psychiatrist and his tip that I should try taking Topomax. It has saved my life on Mondays, even though it may not sound like much.

On this particular Monday, I am making stuffed peppers for dinner. I had an idea in my mind of what stuffed peppers were, or should be, and I kind of just went with it from there. I knew I had rice, so I bought peppers and beef and an onion for flavor. At home, I added some fresh garlic and garlic powder, salt and pepper, seasoned diced tomatoes and even some spinach. And man, do my stuffed peppers look way better than the ones on the internet. I think I might post my recipe on the google share page!

So I don't know if it's the Topomax or what, but I am having a very hard time waking up at or before 6 in the morning lately. In fact, I have had a hard time getting out of bed anytime before 7! I am not sure what the reason quite is, but I'm not terribly concerned. My goal is going to be to take a pre-7 am train at least 2 times per week, whether it be the 6:12 or the 6:45. And hopefully, from there, I can build back up again. We'll see!

I'm also not 100% convinced that I should be continuing with this gluten-free business for as long as I was going to (she says as she drinks a Dos Equis Amber). I think I have to change something drastic if I want to lose the 10 or 15 pounds that I wanted to by my birthday, but I don't think going gluten free is the way to do it. Though, it does make me feel good, and it has been good for maintaining my weight over the course of 3 weeks and that's not something to look down upon, when those 3 weeks have included decadent Italian dinners, binge drinking, nights full of cheese and lots and lots of sweets!

On my list of things to do today, and something I didn't get to, was to call my insurance company and find out what my roadside assistance happens to be, since I don't know much about it. I received an offer in the mail to become a AAA member for just $52 a year and I have to be honest, it sounds like a pretty good deal. I'd consider doing it, but I just don't want to double up since I specifically remember that I get roadside assistance with Progressive. I'll find out tomorrow, hopefully!

I also have to drag my butt down to the doctor's office tomorrow to drop off a bloodwork prescription from my psychiastrist for my primary care doctor who has got to write the master prescription. It's that time of year again! I have been a healthy beast over the past year, but one thing I was specifically told to do that I did NOT do was take Vitamin D supplements. That might be on my "next year's" list of things to do. Not 2014, per se, but my "before 30" bucket list. BEFORE 30. Damn, I am getting old.

I talked to Jo and Nancy about doing a brunch at Mad Mex for my birthday again this year, making it kind of like a tradition, but I was thinking that it might be good to have kind of a low key birthday this year. It seems like each year keeps outdoing the last and I don't want one of these birthdays to end up a colossal disappointment. So maybe this year, I can have a little brunch with my coworkers, a night out with Bob and Justin in NYC, and maybe a night out in Ardmore with Callan and Sean. Hopefully, we can catch up with Anya and Jeff in NYC too, since they seem to be my birthday buds lately! Since I have 2 whole months to figure this birthday business out, I think I'll be safe. For now, I have to plan this night out to see Stephen Lynch w/ Jo and the gang, the Carpe Diem party on Friday and the next Philadelphia FTI event!

Life is kicking along...in a good way.

I'm going a little crazy today. I don't know why. I'm just having trouble focusing. I guess you can't help that sometimes. Mostly, things are going really well. I really have very few complaints about my life, even though I bought a car without thinking and am living on a crazy budget all of a sudden. It's kind of an adventure...surviving without money. I'm digging it so far, but it's only been 2 weeks. Talk to me about it in 2 months.

My main goal is to keep putting money in savings and NOT rack up crazy credit card debt by doing so. If I can get to my bonus and tax return doing these two things (and that means making it past Atlantic City, DC, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas), I will be a champion in my own eyes.

Oh yeah, and while doing that, I'm trying to lose even more weight and take on a new role at my company while simultaneously doing the job I do now. Holy wow, it seems like I'm taking on a lot. I read on facebook the other day "If it scares you, you might want to think about doing it" or some such stuff. (That's not verbatim.) I believe that's what I'm doing with the second half of this year.

It's been a pretty awesome year with Dylan and reveling in all that being in love stuff, but I guess I was finally ready for new challenges, so I'm taking on the world. On top of the financial goals, the health goals and the work goals, I also want to volunteer! And organize my house, getting rid of things I don't need anymore. I'm supposed to tackle clothing tomorrow. I think it'll make getting dressed in the morning a lot easier if I'm not sifting through a million things to get to the clothes that fit and look good. It's the borderline stuff - the stuff you can pair with other things and have it look alright - that is going to be tough to deal with. I don't want to pare my wardrobe down so much that I only have a few outfits. But at the same time, if it doesn't fit, I've got to get rid of it and get a new one! Or get something else that's even better. Either way, I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

And maybe once all that money is saved up, and my credit card is free and clear, I can go on a little shopping spree and get myself some nice new clothes that fit well and are good quality. I'm thinking good stores + sales rack = the way to go.

Not even thinking of all the things I want to get for my house. I just wish Dylan was done with school sooner so we could start our dual income life. It's going to be a lot easier to afford things like vacuum cleaners and ironing boards and Dutch ovens, when I'm not the only one paying rent and utilities. I know it won't be perfect, and I know life will be an adjustment no matter what, but I'm really looking forward to building my life with him.

And of course, it has a hell of a lot more to do with waking up next to him each day and snuggling up to him each night than it does to do with splitting expenses. It's just a nice bonus, and I think once we're both working, we can have a really good life together. I'm excited for that day to come.

I have always had a hard time coming up with a 5 year plan, but I think I'm close to finally being able to come up with one! With work, my relationship, my goals...the stars are aligning, and I feel like the road in front of me is actually clearing up a little bit and I can see where it is that I'm going. That is, instead of just going day by day, week by week, and hoping I end up somewhere I want to be. Not that that hasn't worked out well for me these past few years! Nonetheless, I'm happy to say I'm in a good place, and working on making it even better. Here I go :)

What Do I Love?

That was my question for today. Yesterday, I touched upon a couple of the things in this world that I like, but love goes much deeper than that. Do I love clouds? Do I love cooking? Probably! But when I think of things I love, my mind immediately goes to people. But is that answering the question? Wouldn't talking about all of the people I love be more of an answer to the question, "Who do I love?" I guess if I were to think in terms of "what" and not "who," I'd be able to come up with just a couple.

I love my body. I love making healthy decisions for my body. I love that I made the decision to start taking care of myself a few years back, and have dedicated myself to that as much as I can. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I sometimes eat dessert, and some days I don't feel like working out...and I just about NEVER work out on the weekends, but what's important is that I'm making good choices most of the time. I love my body for all it does. I know it has lots of quirks. My toe hurts in half the shoes I wear, I always seem to have a pimple on my chin, I can't seem to get my arms toned, but my body has come a long way from where it was. I love that I can run 3 miles now. I love that I can lift weights without quitting after 10 reps. I love that I use music to motivate myself when I run or circuit train. I love the feeling of getting my heart rate up, working hard, and really breaking a sweat. I love making good decisions when it comes to what I eat. I love choosing vegetables and proteins. I love that I can still eat carbs. I love that I DO still let myself eat dessert some times. I love that I can still eat French fries. I love that I've been on this journey for three years, and I am fitter now than I've been since I was 21. I love that I know so much more now about how to treat my body. I love that taking care of myself means making myself a priority. I love that I work somewhere that supports this. I love that the people in my life support me in this.

I love stars. The other night, I took a friend's daughter (1 1/2 years old) outside in the evening, and we looked up at the stars. There were a couple blinking lights from planes in the sky as well, and the whole vastness of it all really sank in. I love that looking at the stars can make me feel so small. At the same time, I love that stars show you that no matter how far away you are from something, you can still shine through and make an impact on it. I mostly love to gaze at stars. I love laying on the ground in the summer at night, and trying to find the constellations.

I love food. I love trying different kinds of food. This is so close to cooking, and kind of close to loving my body, and taking care of it. But I don't care. It must be said. I love food, and I love to eat. I love that in the past 10 years, I have added so many new cuisines to my repertoire. I love Indian food, Thai food, Japanese food, Ethiopian food, Middle Eastern food...and of course, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, Southern, and good old American standards. I love trying fresh foods. I love my organic produce delivery that keeps me eating fruit almost every day, and trying new veggies. I love everything about food, and damn is this making me hungry.

One more. I love Philadelphia. I have had such an incredible time building a life here, and find my decision to move here one of the best things I've ever done. I've never felt lacking in art or music. I've met amazing people. I've been able to branch out in terms of restaurants and plays and bars and stores. I love working in Philadelphia. I love being able to go the gym on my lunch break. I love being able to walk to dozens of restaurants from work. I love my local pub, and my daily free pint I won. I love the skyline. I love the commute into the city. I love it all.

I could go on...for ages. Maybe a "What do I love: Part II" post is in order for the future!