Let's Not Talk About Money, M'k?

I cannot believe how fast these days are going by. They're great days, and I'm having lots of fun and learning a lot, but they're just flying by me like nothing else. We're almost at the end of February. This weekend is Callan's birthday, next weekend is our night with Liza and Janire, and the weekend after that, I'll be in San Francisco! After that, time will keep flying and we'll be doing our sexy photoshoot for Jess' birthday, then my conference, then hanging with Anya and Jeff and Jen and Mark in NY and then it's almost April!

Whew. I need to take a breath. I feel like I'm in overdrive a little bit. The good news is I'm doing well with everything. My health, my body, my brain, my work, my friends, my family, everything seems to be in balance. A negative person might think that this is a sign that something is about to go wrong. The optimist that I am thinks that negative person might be right, but damn it, I don't care because my life is great right now and that's all I have to worry about. That's the attitude I try to keep, anyway.

I love looking back at the past 4 years and seeing how far I've come from the scared, heavy set, stressed out, confused girl who was somehow full of wonder and awe at all of the opportunity and the world around her. That girl was too scared by her bosses to sit in and contribute in a Zip Car meeting. That girl who was not too scared to take off to New York City without a place to stay on a Friday night, knowing it would all work out. That girl was me, and I'm proud of who she was.

She's grown up a lot. Boy, when I look back on all the mistakes I made with my money back then...and my bills...and my life. But that was just part of growing up. Now, I know to stock money away into savings, pay off my credit cards when I can, and not to rack up too much excessive debt, although as I learned even this year, I suck at following my own rules sometimes!

By reading blogs and paying close attention to my debt and bottom lines, the important thing that I'm gaining this year is an overall awareness of my financial state that was just coming into being a few years ago. Seeing how far I've come since college is an even more drastic change. I don't know how I lived like I did, leeching off of my loans and making big purchases and never looking back. I was not accountable for my actions and it manifested itself in debt and poor life choices. But now, 6 or 7 years later, I am worlds farther than I was back then and making rather good choices.

I'm working on pumping up my 401K, my savings account, and paying off my credit card debt. Less than $1800 to go on that last one. And then, I am doing my best to stay credit card debt free for 1 year. That is one of my goals. In that time, I should be able to build up a healthy emergency fund of a few thousand dollars for things that come up and then I'll never have to rely on my credit cards again, except to help build my credit and earn me free flights! That was not such a bad bonus of getting my Southwest credit card, though my overzealous use of the card and racking up $2500 in debt was not so fun.

I'm on an unofficial shopping hiatus right now. I am only buying: food, pet supplies, toiletries, household essentials and occasional dining/drinking out. Otherwise, all of my money will go to bills and savings. This is going to be hard with traveling, but I think it'll be worth it once I hit $1000 in my savings account and (gasp) maybe even can take some out of there to use for trips in between paychecks. It's hard right now, since I'm paying back my two (TWO) 401K loans and I just increased my 401K contributions AAAAND taxes went up for 2013. So my paycheck looks and feels pretty measly. But I'm probably getting a raise (fingers crossed) in March and HOPEFULLY a bonus to help eradicate a bit more of my credit card debt. And then, a few months later, my loans will be paid off and I'll have more money to put towards my goals. My new money mantra: MAKE IT TO AUGUST.

Growing - Brains & Relationships

I guess I'm not doing the April challenge after all. And I sure as hell won't be doing a May challenge! May is going to be twice as busy as April! As long as I'm writing once or twice a week, I think I'll be OK.

I'm writing way more now between 750 words, my weekly blog entries, and my Yelp reviews! I've also been playing Scrabble with Dylan and Words with Friends online. I'm about to start taking fish oil supplements for the ol' brain. I've been reading almost everyday on the train to and from work. PLUS, I've been working on new projects at work - ones where I actually create work. I'm writing at work! And - AND! - I started going to art class! It's a great feeling.

I feel like my brain hasn't been this active in quite some time. I think I'm really growing, which is great. For a while, being in a relationship was the main growth I experienced. I'm still growing and changing in my relationship with Dylan as well, but now I feel like I'm challenging myself a bit more intellectually. It's important to me to keep my brain active, and I'm now more than ever considering grad school.

The time constraint thing isn't as scary to me as the money. The loans that I would inevitably have to get to pay for grad school I'd probably be paying until I'm 50, the way things are going with the loans I have now! I'm excited for the day that Dylan and I are both bringing in money, and we can have a stash in the bank for emergencies and I can throw $1000 at my loans every month to help pay them down. It'll be a great day. But I think instead of worrying about money, I should arrange some college visits and meet with the admissions people to see what they have to say about my experience, what I'd need to bring to the table, and what they could offer me. I think taking this on could give me a great sense of accomplishment, and further help me manage my time and resources.

Plus, Dylan brought something up last night that irked me a little. He brought up a comment I had made, based actually, upon one of my previous 750 words entries - how I don't like to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and how he always has something to return to, be it school or video games, and I don't. I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't have much to do. It was more that at the end of the night, I have to go to sleep, and he gets to go do SOMETHING. That he gets to stay up much later than me and work or play, I guess that's what I was pointing out.

Me being in school wouldn't change the fact that I need to go to bed at 11PM or so. It would just mean I'd be working on much more before that. I want Dylan to understand that my life is very full as it is. The people I love, the work I do, my house, my pets, my art, my entertainment, I feel like I am never bored and enjoy the things I do a great deal.

We had another topic come up last night when I asked him to spend the night tonight. He asked if we could wait until our planned weeknight sleepover for my birthday, which is two weeks away. Since he hasn't spent the night during the week in almost 2 months, I wondered why it was such a big deal to him to be with me twice in one month on weeknights. He said he'd much rather be in his own bed and be able to get ample sleep so he'd be fresh for school work the next day. When I countered that I'd drop most anything to be with him, he emphasized he'd do the same for me, except when it came to school. I guess I should be happy that that's the case, and I know if I really needed him, he'd be there. But the fact is, I'm not his top priority, and I think I may have made him mine, and that was a hard fact to swallow...

The driving issue also came up when we were talking about this; how, almost a year into being the one to always drive to see me or pick me up, he doesn't always feel like driving the 25 minutes to my house, but he does it anyway, because he wants to see me and always has a good time. It was kind of hard to hear that too, since I'm insecure about not having a car to come see him. I think I'm going to rent a car for his birthday, and do all of the driving that day. He brought up the driving issue when I made a comment about me working so hard in our relationship, and how he sometimes seems to want to do the easy or convenient thing. It's something that bugs me, but I don't want him to think I don't see all the hard work he puts into us.

I guess it goes back to that page I wrote in my book: "Instead of counting all the things he doesn't do, count all of the things he does do." I filled that page with reasons why I love him- all of the things he does for me. I love him very much, these relationships are just sometimes tough to take care of. You've got to be gentle, but also speak your mind, and always think of two people's feelings, instead of just your own. I think I'll get a hang of it someday. I hope so.