When You Take a Risk

Four years ago today, I started my job at a new company in Philadelphia. I had just moved to the area from my parents' house in Queensbury and was on my own for the first time since college, living in a new place, knowing barely anyone, with no clear idea what I was going to be doing or even how to survive successfully in the real world. I was barely 25, eager to employ my skills from college but I wasn't altogether sure what those were. I knew I was smart, but I didn't know just how to apply myself. I took a chance coming here, starting this new job, venturing out into the world. I took a chance, but it turned out to be a good one.

The company, back then, was called FD kinesis. We were a small marketing firm that had been acquired by a larger parent company, but the spirit of Kinesis Marketing still held strong. The five founders, all with unique personalities and charm, all had their specialties and had hired people to manage accounts and run different facets of the business. It was interesting to me to learn everyone's style and skills. I loved the days when we would all gather for a meeting or a party in New Jersey or Philadelphia, and I'd get to mingle with my colleagues from Morristown and New York. I felt so cosmopolitan, walking down to Old City for happy hours where mussels were served. I had never even had a mussel before I set foot in Philly. My eyes were being opened up to new parts of the world.

My job came with challenges. I had work and lots of it. And instead of answering to a boss, or several layers of bosses when work was piling up, I was answering directly to clients. These were very demanding clients, many of them, who all wanted things the next day or the same day, all at once, none of them knowing about the others. At my previous job, I had learned to manage my time in chunks, going methodically, quickly and accurately through monotonous work. But now, I was trying to get a grasp on new work, learn how to do it, communicate and build relationships with dozens of clients, attend meetings, as well as turn things around quickly and accurately. It was a lot to handle. I once reached out to my coworker across the room over IM, asking "What do you do when everyone wants things from you at once?" He suggested saying no. I hadn't even considered it.

Over time, I learned to temper my feelings of stress and manage my time and the clients. I found I enjoyed balancing all the different moving parts. I got good at it. I may have gotten too good at it. Because somewhere down the line, I got bored. My boss had changed a few times since I had come to the company, first FD kinesis, then FD, now FTI Consulting. And the latest boss suggested I take a look around me at what others were doing. Look into new avenues at the company. Talk to the people around me and find something I could be interested in pursuing as well or instead as a next career move.

I looked into information architecture, HTML, social media and then...I found writing. The creative team at FTI is pretty robust, but full of mostly designers. There are two writers, one of them a managing director, who when I expressed interest - excitement, delight, ecstatic joy - welcomed me with open arms. It had been almost three and a half years since I began my journey at FTI, but I finally felt like I found the reason I'm here. I had spent the past years building my skills, my confidence and my finesse with clients and colleagues and now was my chance to shine.

It's been over six months since I was welcomed by the creative team. I still do the job I was hired to do four years ago. But I am taking steps in a new direction. I'm writing each and every day, honing my editing skills, my eye for detail and my ear my voice and tone. I feel like I've learned so much even in the short time I've been doing this. It makes me wonder what I could learn in a year. Or three years.

My time in Philadelphia and at FTI has only been a small part of my life so far, and I've got a long way to go. But what I've learned since I began here four years ago has amounted to the great things that can be achieved when you take risks and work hard. Don't ever be afraid of the unknown. It's where your future is waiting.

California Musings

It's been seven years since that trip to California. Since I flew too high and crashed into the sun. Since I felt my brain connecting in a million new ways. It's been seven years of rebuilding, rebirth. Seven years of pills and talking about my struggles and my challenges. Seven years to reclaim what I lost in California and start a new life - one I could be proud of and feel I worked hard for.

It's been a long road to get back here - to get back to a place where I could be on hundred percent ready for these experiences - emotionally, financially, mentally. It's important to me now to do things right - do them well and for the right reasons. I came to California this time for much the same reason I came last time - to experience a new world and and new people, new foods and new sights. To spend time with friends of course, as well, but ultimately, to find adventure and on the way, find out a bit more about myself.

What I have found that is dramatically different about the last time I was here is that I am much more confident in myself, my opinions, my needs and in the things that will make me happy. I feel I was much less likely to speak up for myself at twenty-one than I am at twenty-eight. I am much more fully myself, and while I felt a part of things when we came last time, I feel now I am more present, more connected to the people I'm with and the experiences we share.

To embody this spirit of being truly oneself, speaking up for what you want, being who you are and connecting with everything and everyone around you, is to be more fully alive. I find myself remembering a lot of insecurities from when I came here at twenty-one. I wanted people to like me and I wanted to fit in, I wanted to sound intelligent and I wanted to be desirable. Now that I already feel an internal confidence about these aspects of myself, I am no long seeking this approval elsewhere.

I by no means feel finished these days - I do not feel enlightened or necessarily more empowered than I did seven years ago. But I do feel more myself, more grounded in what I believe and who it is I want to be. I think that the longer we live, the more of ourselves comes out of us and the more sure of who we are we become.

But we will never be finished becoming who we are. We will never wake up to discover that, yes, today is the day I am the person I will be, unchanging, for the rest of my life. We will continue to grow, to build upon our lives in ways that change us and make us more ourselves than we've ever been.

Maybe I can come to California again - if not in another seven years, then sometime in the future. Maybe I can come for new experience, to reset my brain and truly think about what it is that I believe in. I don't know who that woman will be, but I think I have an idea that I'll like her very much.

Let's Not Talk About Money, M'k?

I cannot believe how fast these days are going by. They're great days, and I'm having lots of fun and learning a lot, but they're just flying by me like nothing else. We're almost at the end of February. This weekend is Callan's birthday, next weekend is our night with Liza and Janire, and the weekend after that, I'll be in San Francisco! After that, time will keep flying and we'll be doing our sexy photoshoot for Jess' birthday, then my conference, then hanging with Anya and Jeff and Jen and Mark in NY and then it's almost April!

Whew. I need to take a breath. I feel like I'm in overdrive a little bit. The good news is I'm doing well with everything. My health, my body, my brain, my work, my friends, my family, everything seems to be in balance. A negative person might think that this is a sign that something is about to go wrong. The optimist that I am thinks that negative person might be right, but damn it, I don't care because my life is great right now and that's all I have to worry about. That's the attitude I try to keep, anyway.

I love looking back at the past 4 years and seeing how far I've come from the scared, heavy set, stressed out, confused girl who was somehow full of wonder and awe at all of the opportunity and the world around her. That girl was too scared by her bosses to sit in and contribute in a Zip Car meeting. That girl who was not too scared to take off to New York City without a place to stay on a Friday night, knowing it would all work out. That girl was me, and I'm proud of who she was.

She's grown up a lot. Boy, when I look back on all the mistakes I made with my money back then...and my bills...and my life. But that was just part of growing up. Now, I know to stock money away into savings, pay off my credit cards when I can, and not to rack up too much excessive debt, although as I learned even this year, I suck at following my own rules sometimes!

By reading blogs and paying close attention to my debt and bottom lines, the important thing that I'm gaining this year is an overall awareness of my financial state that was just coming into being a few years ago. Seeing how far I've come since college is an even more drastic change. I don't know how I lived like I did, leeching off of my loans and making big purchases and never looking back. I was not accountable for my actions and it manifested itself in debt and poor life choices. But now, 6 or 7 years later, I am worlds farther than I was back then and making rather good choices.

I'm working on pumping up my 401K, my savings account, and paying off my credit card debt. Less than $1800 to go on that last one. And then, I am doing my best to stay credit card debt free for 1 year. That is one of my goals. In that time, I should be able to build up a healthy emergency fund of a few thousand dollars for things that come up and then I'll never have to rely on my credit cards again, except to help build my credit and earn me free flights! That was not such a bad bonus of getting my Southwest credit card, though my overzealous use of the card and racking up $2500 in debt was not so fun.

I'm on an unofficial shopping hiatus right now. I am only buying: food, pet supplies, toiletries, household essentials and occasional dining/drinking out. Otherwise, all of my money will go to bills and savings. This is going to be hard with traveling, but I think it'll be worth it once I hit $1000 in my savings account and (gasp) maybe even can take some out of there to use for trips in between paychecks. It's hard right now, since I'm paying back my two (TWO) 401K loans and I just increased my 401K contributions AAAAND taxes went up for 2013. So my paycheck looks and feels pretty measly. But I'm probably getting a raise (fingers crossed) in March and HOPEFULLY a bonus to help eradicate a bit more of my credit card debt. And then, a few months later, my loans will be paid off and I'll have more money to put towards my goals. My new money mantra: MAKE IT TO AUGUST.

Life is kicking along...in a good way.

I'm going a little crazy today. I don't know why. I'm just having trouble focusing. I guess you can't help that sometimes. Mostly, things are going really well. I really have very few complaints about my life, even though I bought a car without thinking and am living on a crazy budget all of a sudden. It's kind of an adventure...surviving without money. I'm digging it so far, but it's only been 2 weeks. Talk to me about it in 2 months.

My main goal is to keep putting money in savings and NOT rack up crazy credit card debt by doing so. If I can get to my bonus and tax return doing these two things (and that means making it past Atlantic City, DC, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas), I will be a champion in my own eyes.

Oh yeah, and while doing that, I'm trying to lose even more weight and take on a new role at my company while simultaneously doing the job I do now. Holy wow, it seems like I'm taking on a lot. I read on facebook the other day "If it scares you, you might want to think about doing it" or some such stuff. (That's not verbatim.) I believe that's what I'm doing with the second half of this year.

It's been a pretty awesome year with Dylan and reveling in all that being in love stuff, but I guess I was finally ready for new challenges, so I'm taking on the world. On top of the financial goals, the health goals and the work goals, I also want to volunteer! And organize my house, getting rid of things I don't need anymore. I'm supposed to tackle clothing tomorrow. I think it'll make getting dressed in the morning a lot easier if I'm not sifting through a million things to get to the clothes that fit and look good. It's the borderline stuff - the stuff you can pair with other things and have it look alright - that is going to be tough to deal with. I don't want to pare my wardrobe down so much that I only have a few outfits. But at the same time, if it doesn't fit, I've got to get rid of it and get a new one! Or get something else that's even better. Either way, I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

And maybe once all that money is saved up, and my credit card is free and clear, I can go on a little shopping spree and get myself some nice new clothes that fit well and are good quality. I'm thinking good stores + sales rack = the way to go.

Not even thinking of all the things I want to get for my house. I just wish Dylan was done with school sooner so we could start our dual income life. It's going to be a lot easier to afford things like vacuum cleaners and ironing boards and Dutch ovens, when I'm not the only one paying rent and utilities. I know it won't be perfect, and I know life will be an adjustment no matter what, but I'm really looking forward to building my life with him.

And of course, it has a hell of a lot more to do with waking up next to him each day and snuggling up to him each night than it does to do with splitting expenses. It's just a nice bonus, and I think once we're both working, we can have a really good life together. I'm excited for that day to come.

I have always had a hard time coming up with a 5 year plan, but I think I'm close to finally being able to come up with one! With work, my relationship, my goals...the stars are aligning, and I feel like the road in front of me is actually clearing up a little bit and I can see where it is that I'm going. That is, instead of just going day by day, week by week, and hoping I end up somewhere I want to be. Not that that hasn't worked out well for me these past few years! Nonetheless, I'm happy to say I'm in a good place, and working on making it even better. Here I go :)

Attitude is everything. And also money.

Side note, preface-thingy: yesterday, I felt awful. I wanted to move away and start a new life. I felt like a failure in every way. I couldn't even watch TV without my brain telling me all the things that were wrong with my life. And then this is today:

OMG. Today has kicked yesterday's ASS. I don't know what my problem was yesterday. Scratch that. I do know what it was. I was second guessing myself. I was taking things personally, and I was letting negative thoughts overtake my brain. Today, I have taken charge of the world and it is MINE! I've talked, hung out, gone on walks, brought my own lunch, and am about ready to hit the gym for a good old fashioned RUN. I am so psyched for life today, which is the exact opposite of how I felt yesterday. Today, nothing can stop me. I think it's all about attitude. The thing I've noticed about the two really good days that I've had this week has been that I've come in with a plan. Just a simple plan to make an effort to talk to the people around me. Obviously things escalated from the plan, and have gone well from there, but I think the attitude of having a plan makes things worlds better.

Maybe I should start every day like that. I don't know if I would absolutely need that, but I do need to remind myself that I'm worthy and smart and funny sometimes. Dylan does a good job of reminding me too. I can't believe how upset I was last night, and how things seem so much better and brighter today. I guess I am no longer the bright, shiny, positive person I am EVERY day. But I certainly am today.

One of the things that is on my mind today is saving money. If I can start bringing in salads or wraps from Trader Joe's instead of buying my lunch out everyday, I think I can save myself at least $20 per week. Maybe $30. And with ceasing the organic produce delivery for the time being, I'm eating less fruit, but I am able to snack on baby carrots and cherry tomatoes for only about $3 a week from Sue's. And buying salad stuff for home only costs another $8-$10 a week which saves me $15. That's $45 in my pocket right there, just from eating smarter! And with Dylan and I going out less (or him getting paid more and paying for us more!), I think I can work to pay down my credit card this summer and save the money I need for our vacation to Atlantic City this fall.

I'm hoping our other trips this summer can be low-budget. Aside from gas and tolls, we'll be doing a lot of meals with family, and like Kaela's mom's party, catered by others! I will make sure to pack lots of yummy road snacks from Trader Joe's and the odd order of fries from a rest stop won't kill our budget. The more I figure out where my money is going, the more I feel like I could really run a household and a family someday. It's a very empowering feeling. And to someday have BOTH of our incomes to use and plan with- well, gosh, that will be just heaven on earth. I'm sure we won't ever have more money than we know what to do with, or fatty fat fat savings and trusts for our children, but I have a feeling we'll be doing alright for ourselves pretty soon down the line.

And gosh, I know Dylan sleeping over last night was nice. He really makes me happy. I can't wait to spend my life making him happy too. That's it. My sappy romantic blurt is over.

Back to money! I joined Pear a few months back, a really cool budgeting website. I've been supremely diligent about inputting all of my expenses, but I haven't actually gone through and revised my budget or analyzed my spending. I think I might need some help with that. Maybe my mom or Dylan would be able to take a look and advise me. I think I'll be able to tell where I'm going over in spending (TRAVEL! CLOTHING!) but I'm not sure really what to do about that except to adjust my budget to account for the things I need to spend. To be honest, I don't buy THAT many clothes. And I think I only budgeted $500 for each for the year, and that doesn't seem like that much when you break it down by month.

Something I always want to be able to do is go out to dinner. It doesn't have to be at fancy places, but it is my biggest indulgence, and I'd gladly give up take out and restaurant lunches to be able to go out to dinner every now and then. I think it's time to set some financial goals! Stand by. (But not really, because it won't be for a few days!)

Feeling Needed...or Not.

This is a little excerpt from my 750 words from today. Just a blurb. Have a good day everyone!

And on a note I was going to tackle last week or yesterday, I would really like to cut down on my overwhelming desire to be needed. Or desire to be included. I understand that I don't need to be a part of every conversation that goes on at work. I don't need to be in every group photo that my friends take. I don't need to be the one that everyone goes to for advice. I don't need to be the one that the client emails every time. But I feel like when all of those things go out the window a little bit, and I'm left to fend for myself in a world where I might not feel so needed, it's tough for me to feel worth what I am. I know in the smart part of my brain that people love me, enjoy my company, like talking to me and care about me. I know in the smart part of my brain that people need me in their lives, or need me at work. But in the insecure part of my brain that works overtime sometimes, when things aren't going my way, I get worried that these things aren't true, and I've been deluding myself into just THINKING that people like and need me. So what I've decided is that I need to cut down on my need to feel needed. Say THAT five times fast. I'm not sure how to begin this. Anyone have any ideas?

Is it OK to be Lazy?

I usually have to have had a very rough day, or be very tired to not do much when I get home. If I don't have plans after to work to meet someone for dinner, drinks, or the like, I'll usually have a bunch of things planned to do after work. I find that if I launch into tasks directly after getting home, then I get them done. I just can't stop moving. Occasionally, I'm able to relax for a little while, then start doing what I need to do, but for the most part, I need to GO GO GO, or I'm at a loss for the evening.

Such as last night. I came home, and while wearing a sweater seemed like a sound choice at 7AM when it was only 50 degrees out, it was a little hot walking home from the grocery store at 6PM when it was 75 degrees out. By the time I arrived home, I was sweaty and a little tired. All I wanted to do was bask in the air conditioning and watch some television. And that I did. But I didn't feel good about myself. Not that I was actually angry at myself, but I just felt...normal, I guess? I bet a lot of people come home at night and watch television and eat carbs and dessert. And I guess I was kind of ahead of the game. I went grocery shopping! I cleaned the cat littler. I did my dishes after dinner. I wasn't a complete waste of space. But I didn't accomplish all the adult tasks that I feel keep me on track to being responsible and having a clean apartment and making myself feel complete.

I guess it's because I don't have a lot of time on the weekends to do chores and tasks around my house. I am sure it'll be different when Dylan and I live together, and we can be in one house, with him doing homework and me doing housework. I hope that it doesn't create problems, but it seems like it will actually solve a lot of problems. And make me really, really happy. But I think because now our weekends are so fun and joyful and consist of us entertaining ourselves in various ways, we don't focus a lot of our weekend time on getting stuff done, which we might want to start doing as we get older. Maybe when that day comes, I'll feel less bad about being lazy on weeknights, because I'll feel like there will be time to do all those "adult" things I need to do coming soon.

Growing - Brains & Relationships

I guess I'm not doing the April challenge after all. And I sure as hell won't be doing a May challenge! May is going to be twice as busy as April! As long as I'm writing once or twice a week, I think I'll be OK.

I'm writing way more now between 750 words, my weekly blog entries, and my Yelp reviews! I've also been playing Scrabble with Dylan and Words with Friends online. I'm about to start taking fish oil supplements for the ol' brain. I've been reading almost everyday on the train to and from work. PLUS, I've been working on new projects at work - ones where I actually create work. I'm writing at work! And - AND! - I started going to art class! It's a great feeling.

I feel like my brain hasn't been this active in quite some time. I think I'm really growing, which is great. For a while, being in a relationship was the main growth I experienced. I'm still growing and changing in my relationship with Dylan as well, but now I feel like I'm challenging myself a bit more intellectually. It's important to me to keep my brain active, and I'm now more than ever considering grad school.

The time constraint thing isn't as scary to me as the money. The loans that I would inevitably have to get to pay for grad school I'd probably be paying until I'm 50, the way things are going with the loans I have now! I'm excited for the day that Dylan and I are both bringing in money, and we can have a stash in the bank for emergencies and I can throw $1000 at my loans every month to help pay them down. It'll be a great day. But I think instead of worrying about money, I should arrange some college visits and meet with the admissions people to see what they have to say about my experience, what I'd need to bring to the table, and what they could offer me. I think taking this on could give me a great sense of accomplishment, and further help me manage my time and resources.

Plus, Dylan brought something up last night that irked me a little. He brought up a comment I had made, based actually, upon one of my previous 750 words entries - how I don't like to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and how he always has something to return to, be it school or video games, and I don't. I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't have much to do. It was more that at the end of the night, I have to go to sleep, and he gets to go do SOMETHING. That he gets to stay up much later than me and work or play, I guess that's what I was pointing out.

Me being in school wouldn't change the fact that I need to go to bed at 11PM or so. It would just mean I'd be working on much more before that. I want Dylan to understand that my life is very full as it is. The people I love, the work I do, my house, my pets, my art, my entertainment, I feel like I am never bored and enjoy the things I do a great deal.

We had another topic come up last night when I asked him to spend the night tonight. He asked if we could wait until our planned weeknight sleepover for my birthday, which is two weeks away. Since he hasn't spent the night during the week in almost 2 months, I wondered why it was such a big deal to him to be with me twice in one month on weeknights. He said he'd much rather be in his own bed and be able to get ample sleep so he'd be fresh for school work the next day. When I countered that I'd drop most anything to be with him, he emphasized he'd do the same for me, except when it came to school. I guess I should be happy that that's the case, and I know if I really needed him, he'd be there. But the fact is, I'm not his top priority, and I think I may have made him mine, and that was a hard fact to swallow...

The driving issue also came up when we were talking about this; how, almost a year into being the one to always drive to see me or pick me up, he doesn't always feel like driving the 25 minutes to my house, but he does it anyway, because he wants to see me and always has a good time. It was kind of hard to hear that too, since I'm insecure about not having a car to come see him. I think I'm going to rent a car for his birthday, and do all of the driving that day. He brought up the driving issue when I made a comment about me working so hard in our relationship, and how he sometimes seems to want to do the easy or convenient thing. It's something that bugs me, but I don't want him to think I don't see all the hard work he puts into us.

I guess it goes back to that page I wrote in my book: "Instead of counting all the things he doesn't do, count all of the things he does do." I filled that page with reasons why I love him- all of the things he does for me. I love him very much, these relationships are just sometimes tough to take care of. You've got to be gentle, but also speak your mind, and always think of two people's feelings, instead of just your own. I think I'll get a hang of it someday. I hope so.

Growing Up with Bob

Well today is the first time I might be pulled away from my 750 words while I'm writing them. I'm starting at 6:22 and Dylan's supposed to be here to pick me up at 6:30. We're heading to a town called Audobon (I belonged to the Audobon Society when I was younger, and received a book about birds for my membership fee- is it the same Audobon?!), to a restaurant on Egypt Road (MUMMIES?) called Chadwick's.

Originally, the plan was to meet Jess at a restaurant in Ardmore called Firinji. I picked it because it was close to me so Dylan wouldn't have to drive much further after coming out here. But Marie emailed me this morning, asking if we'd join her in supporting her friend Joel and his band tonight. I politely declined, but come 4:00, Jess IMed me asking if I wanted to change our plans and go. I was a little torn even saying I would check, since I had told Marie we had dinner plans, but not with Jess. I guess I figured in the end that she'd be happier to see us (she really likes Dylan) than upset that I hadn't told her about Jess and our dinner plans.

So I called Dylan and asked him what he thought, explaining the situation and where the restaurant is. He asked if I'd like to go with just Jess. I haven't seen Dylan for four days, so I said, "NO WAY JOSE." And that I'd rather tell Jess we can go to Firinji with her or reschedule completely. I love seeing Jess and I adore Marie, but I guess in this case, I was choosing Dylan before the girls. In this case, it worked out, because Dylan said he'd go, but that it was just a lot of driving.

But overall, I have Bob's words hanging over my head that I need to maintain my own life and not get sucked into coupledom. Am I sucked into coupledom? I'm happy in coupledom. Should I be capitalizing that? Is it a proper noun? Coupledom, USA. Nah. Too official. Anyhow, I'm trying to do things with friends. Last Friday with Dani was perfection. Amazing food, flowing conversation that seemed to carry us late into the night without realizing it. And then, late in the evening Dylan, and eventually Bryan, met up with us, and it was a ton of fun. I love being able to incorporate Dylan into my friendships, since he gets along so well with everyone I love.

I think I do need to schedule some Bob time in the near future. Oh! We have our wedding weekend coming up. I like that we're going to have Thursday all to ourselves to hang, maybe grabbing a drink with the girls Thursday evening. But it'll be nice to have some quality Bob and Amanda time. I just have to make sure not to max my credit card out that weekend. It'll be in the name of friendship and love!!!! I think that's forgivable, don't you? I think investing time into Bob is a lot more worthwhile than investing money into him, since I feel like I can never match the generosity of his gifts.

It's important for me to remind him how much I adore him, and love that he's always tried to be there for me...except of course, when I don't do a great job of telling him I'm coming home, and he gets pissed at me for a month and a half. Boy, I'm glad that got worked out. I love that man, and I never want to see him leave my life. I am so psyched for Chicago, because, yes, I am there for Jenny and seeing my college friends all in one place will be awesome, but it means a lot to me that Bob is coming to see me through this. Just like in the old days.

Except this time, I won't get drunk and go to work, or rip his wig off at the Burger King. We're grown ups now. At least, most of the time we are. We try to be. Our friendship has evolved so much from where we started, yet, somehow we're still the same teenagers who hung out at Steve's Place. We just have a lot more money and responsibility now. And live fancier lives. And have careers and relationships to think about. And aging parents. And debt. Ahhh, growing up and growing old. It's a joy. But I'm happy I get to do it with Bob.