Stressed Out By Snow

We were scheduled to leave for upstate New York today at 1:30 or so, and then a few days ago, it became clear that a giant snowstorm would be headed for the northeast this very afternoon. I've gotten lots and lots of warnings from friends, coworkers and family not to drive in the snow and to wait until Saturday and to stay home. I am honestly torn as to what to do. I just checked out some traffic cameras in middle and northern New Jersey, and so far there is no snow. I think if we left right away and got on the road and just powered through until we hit snow in New York state, we could take it easy as we drove into it, and it might only add an hour or two onto our trip. But at the same time, I don't want to end up in a spot where we're still over a hundred miles from my parents' house and it's dark and the snow is terrible and the plows aren't in front of us. That's my biggest fear- getting to a point where driving scares me and I feel unsafe, but I've gotten us far enough that we have to keep going.

I know I may have regrets either way, and it would be better to be safe and stay home than to potentially put Dylan and I in danger on the road. But I will be so disappointed to miss the party and see photos of everyone having fun without me. What did Bridget call it? FOMO? Fear of missing out. That was it. I have it, big time.

So basically, I don't know whether I should consult some ultimate higher power (the highway department, my mom), decide to just go for broke and DO IT and know that I can pull off and go somewhere safe if I feel like I can't do it anymore, or if I should just suck it up and do the safest thing which would be to wait until tomorrow morning and decide then. Something tells me the roads in Jersey will be twice as bad tomorrow morning than they will be today.

I guess ultimately I will talk it over with Dylan and see what he thinks we should do. I will show him the traffic cameras and we can look up the forecasts for the storm in New York and New Jersey and call my mom, if he wants. But I know this is not just my decision to make. The only thing is if we decide to stay the night tonight, we should most certainly head back to my house. I don't want my car getting towed from University City for some obscure snow removal law.

Why are these decisions so tough to make? There's no clear answer!

If I don't go, I'm not just missing out on Meredith and Alan and Kelly and Addison and Danielle and Ron and Kim and Jen and Sean and Beau and Shael and Jason and Sarah and Nadine and all the people I would see at the party. I'm missing out on seeing my parents. And I'm missing out on seeing my little girls.

I know this much - if we make the drive and it's crazy and awful and we make it, we will certainly need a drink tomorrow night! I still need to think about making the bacon as well, which hasn't even crossed my mind until we figure out what we're doing as far as driving. I don't even know how to MAKE chocolate covered bacon. I'm assuming I'll just buy some semi-sweet chocolate chips and melt them down on the stove with a little milk maybe? And then dip cooked strips of bacon into the chocolate? I'll do my best! And here's another question. If we decide to play things by ear and see what the weather holds for us tomorrow instead of driving today, should we make the bacon tonight?? I don't want oodles of chocolate covered bacon around my house and I certainly don't want Dylan housing it all on his own.

Basically, I am a hot mess and need to figure my shit out. I am picking up my car in less than an hour. Agh.

Feeling Needed...or Not.

This is a little excerpt from my 750 words from today. Just a blurb. Have a good day everyone!

And on a note I was going to tackle last week or yesterday, I would really like to cut down on my overwhelming desire to be needed. Or desire to be included. I understand that I don't need to be a part of every conversation that goes on at work. I don't need to be in every group photo that my friends take. I don't need to be the one that everyone goes to for advice. I don't need to be the one that the client emails every time. But I feel like when all of those things go out the window a little bit, and I'm left to fend for myself in a world where I might not feel so needed, it's tough for me to feel worth what I am. I know in the smart part of my brain that people love me, enjoy my company, like talking to me and care about me. I know in the smart part of my brain that people need me in their lives, or need me at work. But in the insecure part of my brain that works overtime sometimes, when things aren't going my way, I get worried that these things aren't true, and I've been deluding myself into just THINKING that people like and need me. So what I've decided is that I need to cut down on my need to feel needed. Say THAT five times fast. I'm not sure how to begin this. Anyone have any ideas?

Awesomeness Turned Anxiousness

I had a wonderful night last night, but a very anxious morning today.

Last night, I came home around 6 and talked to my brother for about a half hour. We don't talk on the phone very often, but last night I questioned why that is. It's not that we don't get along. I could talk to him for hours! We just don't find occasion to call each other that often. I must make a mental note to call him more often.

While on the phone with Josh, I made baggies of the (censored for Dylan) I got Dylan for his birthday. Josh had an idea to draw pictures of the (censored for Dylan) on the bag, but make them looks like Dylan. I did ones in four different colors on four sandwich ziploc bags, and put glasses on all of them to make them look like Dylan! I think he'll appreciate the little extra touch there.

I sent a picture of the baggies to Josh after we got off of the phone and one to Alex since she was with me when I bought the (censored for Dylan) yesterday. Then, I wrapped Dylan's other presents, the (censored for Dylan). I know he got me two sets of really awesome tickets (the chamber orchestra and Wicked), and a surprise trip to NYC for the shebang, but I think he'll like the presents I got for him as well.

After that, I settled down with a glass of wine and my computer, only to have Dylan call me a few minutes later to let me know he'd arrived. We went to Wawa and got the most wonderful $16 feast - two 10 inch subs (one Classic California with bacon, turkey, tomatoes, cucumbers, pepper jack and guacamole, the other a Buffalo Chicken Cheese Steak), a giant bag of salt and vinegar chips and chocolate milk for Dylan. We then went to the liquor store and picked out a really cute bottle of wine...I don't remember the name, but it came in a cylindrical bottle that was super adorable.

We headed back to my house, and ate and drank while watching New Girl. Then Dylan started to feel not so well, so we went to lie down on the bed, while watching The Office and 30 Rock. Afterwards, I got him some water, and snuggled him lots to help make him feel better, then suggested he sleep over at my house, so I could take care of him properly. After a couple disastrous school night sleepovers, where I didn't want to get out of bed for the life of me, last night went pretty darn well. After I set Dylan up with a big bottle of water, we both snuggled into bed, and turned out the big light. He watched anime cartoons and I read Catching Fire, the second book in the Hunger Games series, that I'm JUST LOVING. We laid like that for 45 minutes or an hour, then shut down and turned off the lights. He told me he was feeling better, which made me happy, and we were asleep not too long after.

Before I knew it, I was rousing and it was light out and then my alarm went off. I still snoozed a couple times, for sure, since it was so nice to be in bed with him. But when 6:30 came, I was up and at 'em. Within 20 minutes, I had done my hair and makeup, eaten breakfast and checked the weather. I came to kiss him and see if he wanted to get up with me to drive me to the train and go home or stay sleeping. He said he'd like to sleep more, and it really was the sweetest thing for me to tuck him in and kiss him goodbye, after I'd dressed and packed. I made it to the train in plenty of time, breaking into a wide grin as I walked now and then, remembering my sweet boyfriend back at my house, keeping my bed toasty warm. How I wish I could go back there now and surprise him with a hug and kiss. But alas, I'm responsible.

I've made it almost to the end of this entry, and only talked about the happy things in life so far. I guess that's ok. The things I was anxious about this morning included that my train pass hasn't come for next month yet (but I looked it up and found out that it just got mailed on Tuesday - it's Thursday today), and that I ran my credit card up almost as much as I paid it down last paycheck ($400), and after my rent check and my bachelorette party check this pay period, I only have another $400 to put towards credit card, Dylan's birthday meals and movie (easily $150), plus dinner and breakfast with Josh and Kristi and anything I'll need to buy in Chicago. The kicker is I only get paid one more time between then and the next trip to Chicago, when I'll get paid on Friday the 25th, while I'm in Chi-town. I guess I'll just have to pace myself as much as possible, maybe put $250 towards my card this time, and see if I can be frugal in Chicago this weekend. Maybe Dylan can pay for the movies next week or chip in for Iron Hill.

Other miscellaneous things making me anxious: checking in for my flights this weekend, getting through the airport alright, packing my bag sufficiently, getting to the airport with enough time, getting the letters out to my dad before this weekend, keeping my house clean when everything's been so busy and I have guests coming tomorrow night, getting Dylan's mom's jacket back to her in good condition, reading all the millions of magazines I have, losing weight...and OH- the dress I gave to the cleaners to have their tailor look at on Saturday morning, that I STILL haven't heard back about yet. I have no idea when they will get back to me, if they'll be able to do anything with it, and if, thank heavens, they are, what it will cost. BIG SIGH. I need to calm down. I will drink my iced coffee, listen to my jazz, and focus on how happy I was to see Dylan this morning, how lucky I am to have an awesome job to come to everyday, and how nice I feel in my silky blue dress and pearls.