On Loneliness

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.
- John le Carre

Sometimes we can feel so a part of the world, so social, so alive and connected and engaged daily, by work, our friends, the media, our family, that we can’t recognize the loneliness that sits within, until someone finds the true person we are…sitting up against the wall in there, head down, listening to music, not remembering the last time we went out…and they take our hands, help us to our feet and take us on a walk, a drive, to dinner and dancing. And then we come back to that place and think….I might not have to hang out here alone anymore ☺

Things I'd Like to Say That I Won't

Because people rarely read this. And I just needed to JUST NEEDED TO SAY IT OUT LOUD. Or kind of...

1. I said some crazy fucking things last night! I didn't mean to explode all over with gushy rambling. You just made me feel so good. And people these days...well, I guess they have been able to make me feel good, but not like that. Not in a while. Not with just kissing me. And talking to me. I was hungry for you. I was hungry for the way you kissed me. The heat behind it and within you and the words you peppered into it all. It's amazing to me, that even while smashing faces, we still had witty banter. The rapport lives.

2. You drive me crazy! Because you drive me places. You don't know how much not having a car has made me sad. And I hate taking advantage of people with cars. I hate it. But I do love when people offer me rides. Like I said, it makes me feel fancy.

3. You treat me like a friend and I adore that. In the most respectful way, you can make fun of my every move and I just....melt for that.

4. You're the perfect height for making out. Yet somehow I was still on my tiptoes, grabbing your face in my hands.

5. I hope my crazy fire doesn't burn you out. I want to stoke things slow and right and I just don't want to....freak you out and away. I just want to show you your wit and intelligence and charm and sincerity are so worth waiting for.

6. On the note of crazy fire, I really really want to touch you. And I am sorry if that is too much touching...it's just that you're new. And interesting. And attractive. And a BOY! And it's like getting a new toy for Christmas and you don't want to wear it out or use it up too fast, so you try to play with it only occasionally.

7. When you are honest and kind of embarrassed about it and your eyes crinkle, I also get a little melty. I know that's not your fault. You can keep it up though, if you think of it.

I think that's all for now. I'm just sitting here, remembering how my legs almost gave out when your goatee was on my neck and your breath moved across my collarbone. I won't send this to you. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. I won't. But maybe, if there's more of this to come...you can see it someday. Tom McMahon, stop getting to me. I need to catch my breath and remember I met you like, A WEEK AGO. Or was it two?

Deep breaths. Here I go.

If you want to like, call me sometime though...that's cool. Talking is less dangerous than...ok, who am I kidding? That's how we got into this mess :)

Project Mission: Day Two

But really, it's day 3. Yesterday, the mission was to be more chill. I guess you could define "chill" as the very laid back and relaxed attitude some people are able to take to all things. I tried to apply it to work. Still got a lot done, but found my ultimate chill a little too unfocused. I think an edge does me well.

Although, there may have been other factors at work keeping me unfocused.

I have been trying to relax in many ways recently, keeping the stresses of modern life at bay. The work and family and social balance is tougher now than ever, as fully connected individuals. I feel very sure of myself in a lot of ways, but still question 60% of my actions. Constantly. Dating has become a 24 hour a day dance around and with people who I am coming to enjoy greatly, but I am trying to even in that arena, relax and maintain my head.

What can I say? Chill was a good place to start. I think for today, tomorrow and the weekend, my mission is to maintain balance.

I have a lot of work to do, both for FD kinesis and for my own projects- those, too, being on the more personal side (gifts I'm making) and business related as well (freelance web and design work.) I also would like to make time to be active tonight and tomorrow and I know Sunday will bring much walking, which I love. I would like to ease off of the kickback into butter I had this week- absence makes the heart grow fonder, it's true! And I think my vegetable habit is one I might not have to break. I have also this growing arsenal of invitations to things- shows, concerts, comedy, brunches, classes, festivals....all for this weekend. I know I can't do it all. I know that much at 25. So I will have to be selective. And no more planning to make plans and being disappointed.

Can't keep the heart hanging on a string like that :)

I'm off to work some more, achieve some balance and...live well.

Project Mission Inception: Day Zero.

I read today that a business should refine and review its mission every 28 days. Perhaps the world would benefit if people did this individually, too. I know most people don't have a mission statement. I know I don't. My mission changes everyday, maybe even every moment. Sometimes, my missions overlap. Sometimes, they are scattered and undefined and my main one is to get to my bed that night unharmed.

But really, I think this could be a good experiment - a daily one...maybe for a month. It could be that everyday, I define what I was weakest at that day and just try to become better at it tomorrow. It might be a back and forth of, "More Relaxed. More Patient. More proactive. More Relaxed. More Patient. More proactive. More Relaxed. More Patient. More proactive. More Relaxed. More Patient. More proactive." But we'll see. What do you think, cyberworld? I know you don't comment. But I think I might do it.

I think I must.

Tomorrow, I will be more................................................................................
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........................................chill.

Yup, that's the best I can come up with right now. I was on edge today. On a good edge for the most part, but on edge nonetheless. Here I go.

Some days I feel I'm getting smaller and smaller,

But some nights I seem to grow taller and taller.

There are times I feel very tall. And there are times I feel quite small. Most times, I fall somewhere in between. Tall, yes….but also not quite powerful enough not to feel small as well.

I can control very little in my world. I can control the way I act and react to my environment and the people in it, primarily. And in some cases, I can choose where that is and who those people are. But for the most part, none of us can dictate what goes on outside of a very small sphere of influence that we do have- at home, at our jobs, in our communities, among our peers.

In this world where we control so little, I have become increasingly accustomed to letting go. Relaxing. Letting the current take me where it will. This, of course, does not prevent me from analyzing the world to death, but it does give me solid ground within my own mind, in the raging river that is my life in this world. I have learned that to love and live with my full self, I need to be prepared to adapt and change and make immense compromises. All of these things, I am getting better at doing. And all of these things, I thoroughly enjoy.

When recently given an analogy (that life itself is like getting a phone call today, saying that you were being taken away to an unknown place, with no one you knew, and not given any instructions, only to be plucked out just as suddenly some undetermined day in the future, ) and asked, “wouldn’t that be scary? Who would do that? Would you agree to that?” I responded, “Absolutely.”

To me, it sounded more like a crazy reality show or a fun game than some tiresome and terrifying thing to endure. Which is, I suppose, what makes me different than many people, who have consistently answered no to that same question. But I don't think that makes my approach any less valid than this...enduring with solemn purpose and stoic heart.

With all of this gusto- with all of this sunlight and this almost maniacal desire to live and love- I have still gone and gathered my grievances. There are only a handful of them. I don’t believe I am entitled to the treasures of the world, nor do I think I am more brilliant and gifted than the next person.

But as promised, here they are. All three:

1. The moment when I realize someone expects me to compromise myself for them. I do it. I know I do it. I do it everyday. But the second you sense my good nature and free spirit and easy-to-please and eager-to-please-others attitude and try to put it to good use…I turn. It may not be perceptible to the average bear. But it exists. As I become less and less naïve, I am able to gauge when this moment actually occurs, be it conscious or unconscious on the other’s part.

2. Those who live solely for themselves, or who may feel exempt from participating in...humanity. I understand some people “live in their own little world,” or “are apt to get lost in themselves.” Don’t get me wrong- I can get like that too. I can be introspective or contemplative and almost step right on someone at the crosswalk. But gosh, a few years and some self awareness has cured most of that. But there are people who seem completely and utterly unaware that others do any of the following: require space, oxygen, time to sleep, time to laugh, time to eat, money to do all of the above…or even, like I said, that they even exist. By others, I can mean anyone from the person in the elevator or the cashier at the store or even the stranger they pass sitting on a stoop. I consider myself a fine human specimen...and I believe most other people are as well. And I hope I do not ever end up treating anyone with anything less than the respect they have earned. And in my book, which again, might make me different, respect exists until you zap it with your actions.

3. The last is a simple one- those who make no effort to do good in this world. If you can't give much more than a smile today, then that is all you can give. If you can't give a g*ddamn thing for weeks and weeks, well...the tide can turn. But the people who just take and take and take and give nothing back...well, I wish them well but I'm not sure their kind will survive this century. With the way the winds are changing, it seems individual impacts are making more and more of an impression. I only hope that one by one, this type of person...becomes a different kind.

So. That's that. Things that make me feel tall are many, things that make me feel especially small are few :) And that is the way we hope things will stay. I have good feelings about this planet. I think we can do it.