A brighter grace

I left work on Friday and half ran to the XPN Free at Noon concert at the World Live Cafe, mainly to see my new musical obsession, Langhorne Slim. Maybe less of an obsession and more of a calculated and adoring interest. His band's sound makes me want to lie in the grass and then get up and jump around and sprint to the river and jump in. What grass? What river? I'm not sure. But I'm digressing. Langhorne Slim did not let me down. I was blessed to be with Susan who, though I was ready to run back to work, bumped into the Slim himself and brought him out to meet, greet, hug and smile in pictures for me. And then she bought his CD and the whole band signed it. These were all amazing things.

But the real punch in the face happened during the second half of the performance when fellow Americana folk rocker, Will Hoge, and his band were on stage. Nearing the end of Langhorne Slim's performance, I'd gotten a little teary eyed because their music was so *UGHH* good. The good kind of good. The great kind of good. But there was something about Will's voice and the bluesy steel pick sound that tore me up from the beginning of their time on stage. I literally spent the entire set in various stages of tears and grinning and clapping and dancing. Not in a gross, snotty, eww-look-at-that-gross-girl way, but in a more contained and natural way. At least I think it was :) That is, I felt contained until I had a great moment of brain and heart and soul seizure. The thoughts, as I was grooving to these sounds pulsing and pulling on my chest, started flowing into my head- "I do not want to grow up, grow old, get cold, forget how to love like this, to let myself go, to let myself become fully a part of things. I don't want to. I don't want to. I can't let it happen." And it was at that moment, when realizing how much I had been willing to compromise to find someone to share myself with every moment- friends, family, lovers, coworkers, even strangers on the street- and how I kept little bits of my happiness hidden and major parts of me to myself, and how little I really needed to do so, that I felt the most warm and joyful.

I will grow old. I will grow up. I already have. Though, I’ve felt very young lately. Young at heart, which is nothing new, but especially young in my mind. I’ve felt confusion and hesitance, coupled with a heart-stopping compulsive joy that has just boggled my mind. The joy has come from within and from my experiences and maybe even things I don’t understand yet. The confusion though, and the hesitance, from a place that feels oddly like my later teenage years, when I was trying to figure out just who it is that I am and what I’d like to get out of the world. I guess I'm back there again, but a little more graceful and quieter and sweeter this time. I'm trying to get this being a girl thing down, I swear.

But just because I am getting it all down, the task of getting my heart into one solid piece to give to someone else can't really be a focus. Not at all. I think it may just happen when I'm not looking. For now, I'll just make sure the music never dies, my fingers keep painting and tapping and drumming and my face keeps smiling and that my mouth never says things my brain doesn't agree with. I haven't found it, but gosh, maybe I haven't lost it either.