Week 15

I can't believe I started this challenge 15 weeks ago. And I can't believe I've only lost 7 pounds since the start of the year. Sadly, I am only one pound away from where I was on week 3 because I've been fluctuating so much. BUT! I can run .5 miles further in a 30 minute time period - up from 2.2! And I have biceps now. That's a real accomplishment. With all of the Easter eating, I was a little scared about what the scale would say this week. On the flip side, I thought I had a really focused and healthy week, so I was a teeny bit bummed to see I had gone up .6 pounds since last week.

This weekend is my birthday celebrations! Mexican food x 2 + beef Wellington on Sunday. I am going to do my best to drink in moderation, exercise portion control for eating and make good food choices (less guacamole, more salsa!)

I have my next fitness evaluation next Thursday, so I'm hoping I will be down from the 213.6 I was last time. DON'T GAIN THREE POUNDS THIS WEEKEND. DON'T GAIN THREE POUNDS THIS WEEKEND. DON'T GAIN THREE POUNDS THIS WEEKEND.

Well, here I go! Have a good weekend everyone!

Weight- 210lbs
30 Min. Run- 2.71
Pounds from goal- 26lbs

What Do I Love?

That was my question for today. Yesterday, I touched upon a couple of the things in this world that I like, but love goes much deeper than that. Do I love clouds? Do I love cooking? Probably! But when I think of things I love, my mind immediately goes to people. But is that answering the question? Wouldn't talking about all of the people I love be more of an answer to the question, "Who do I love?" I guess if I were to think in terms of "what" and not "who," I'd be able to come up with just a couple.

I love my body. I love making healthy decisions for my body. I love that I made the decision to start taking care of myself a few years back, and have dedicated myself to that as much as I can. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I sometimes eat dessert, and some days I don't feel like working out...and I just about NEVER work out on the weekends, but what's important is that I'm making good choices most of the time. I love my body for all it does. I know it has lots of quirks. My toe hurts in half the shoes I wear, I always seem to have a pimple on my chin, I can't seem to get my arms toned, but my body has come a long way from where it was. I love that I can run 3 miles now. I love that I can lift weights without quitting after 10 reps. I love that I use music to motivate myself when I run or circuit train. I love the feeling of getting my heart rate up, working hard, and really breaking a sweat. I love making good decisions when it comes to what I eat. I love choosing vegetables and proteins. I love that I can still eat carbs. I love that I DO still let myself eat dessert some times. I love that I can still eat French fries. I love that I've been on this journey for three years, and I am fitter now than I've been since I was 21. I love that I know so much more now about how to treat my body. I love that taking care of myself means making myself a priority. I love that I work somewhere that supports this. I love that the people in my life support me in this.

I love stars. The other night, I took a friend's daughter (1 1/2 years old) outside in the evening, and we looked up at the stars. There were a couple blinking lights from planes in the sky as well, and the whole vastness of it all really sank in. I love that looking at the stars can make me feel so small. At the same time, I love that stars show you that no matter how far away you are from something, you can still shine through and make an impact on it. I mostly love to gaze at stars. I love laying on the ground in the summer at night, and trying to find the constellations.

I love food. I love trying different kinds of food. This is so close to cooking, and kind of close to loving my body, and taking care of it. But I don't care. It must be said. I love food, and I love to eat. I love that in the past 10 years, I have added so many new cuisines to my repertoire. I love Indian food, Thai food, Japanese food, Ethiopian food, Middle Eastern food...and of course, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, Southern, and good old American standards. I love trying fresh foods. I love my organic produce delivery that keeps me eating fruit almost every day, and trying new veggies. I love everything about food, and damn is this making me hungry.

One more. I love Philadelphia. I have had such an incredible time building a life here, and find my decision to move here one of the best things I've ever done. I've never felt lacking in art or music. I've met amazing people. I've been able to branch out in terms of restaurants and plays and bars and stores. I love working in Philadelphia. I love being able to go the gym on my lunch break. I love being able to walk to dozens of restaurants from work. I love my local pub, and my daily free pint I won. I love the skyline. I love the commute into the city. I love it all.

I could go on...for ages. Maybe a "What do I love: Part II" post is in order for the future!

What Do I Like?

That is the question I've chosen to tackle today, from my list of questions I copied in on April 5th. I've noticed, before I dive in, that I have a hard time dedicating myself to writing on the weekends. When I'm at work, or at home on weeknights, I can easily dedicate myself to write for 10 or 15 minutes, but the weekend is a little tougher. I also know I have a tough time making time to exercise on the weekends, even if that just means doing some squats, sit ups and push ups. If I'm able to dedicate 30-45 minutes to myself on Saturday and Sunday, I can get in both a good amount of writing and a little exercise. I just need to figure out if that's going to be when Dylan is sleeping, showering, or when we're having TV time. When we're watching TV, we're usually watching something that I want to keep up with or I'm into, so I've got to take time away when he puts on something I'm not too involved in. Just something to think about if I want to one day finish a whole month of 750 words! What a goal!

Now, back to the question. I like a whole heck of a lot of things. And people. And places. I like to do a lot of things. I like to be busy. I like to fill my time with activity if I can. The question that comes up next is, "What do I love?" so I'll try hard here to stick to things that I like and not things I truly love. Distinguishing between like and love can be difficult. And sometimes, those things overlap. Dylan and I have told one another before, "I love you, but I also really like you." It seems to me that both of those things are important in a relationship.

I really like clouds. Clouds have always been something that has inspired me, and I want someday, to be able to paint a beautiful skyscape, maybe at sunset, maybe at mid-day, but capturing the billowy, pillowy, un-real, wispy aspects of clouds that sometimes photography can't even capture. Clouds to me are one of the most beautiful things we get to see in nature, and they happen almost every day, unlike things like flowers, snow or green trees and grass.

I like cooking. I like going shopping for the fresh ingredients. I like finding new things to cook with at the store- a new sauce or a particularly interesting vegetable. I like experimenting with creating things I've never made before. It's so amazing to me how just a few simple ingredients can produce amazing tastes that are all their own and unique. I like putting together meals from a few different things. I like coming up with sweet and tasty things to eat for dessert. I like making dishes healthy. I like getting all the food groups into one meal, and feeling like someday, I could do that everyday for my family. I cooked this past weekend, just an appetizer, for Dylan's family's Easter dinner. I made homemade bruschetta, which is relatively easy, but so very tasty, and got a ton of compliments on it. I wouldn't say I cook only for compliments, but cooking for others and having them appreciate what I've put time into, is something that I really like. I've liked cooking a lot more since I've been with Dylan, and I think it's because I have someone to eat the things I make!

I like art. I know that's a super broad statement, and art can be so many things, but it's really a very true statement for me. I like most aspects of creating art - painting, drawing, sketching, sculpture, pottery, photography, collage, mosaic, composition. I wish I had more time to put toward art in my life, because I think it really brings out a great side of me: a very thoughtful, graceful side that I don't always inhabit in other parts of my life. I also like to look at other people's art and think about it. I like going to museums. I like walking the halls, looking at paintings and sculptures and thinking about what the artist was feeling when he or she made the piece of art. I like that art makes me feel something and makes me think.

Well, it looks like it only took three things I really like to hit my word count for today. Tomorrow, I will try to write about what I love. And that might send me sky high into thousands of words if I don't watch out. I love a lot of things on this planet.

Week 14

Well, I skipped working out on Tuesday and Wednesday, made it in for my circuit Monday and today, and my 30 minute run yesterday...but lo and behold, I've lost weight!

This week was a lot of fun, and included my first burrito in a couple of months AND a dinner out of French fries and chicken sandwich AND CHEESECAKE! I only ate a portion of each, so I don't think it did too much damage. I also ate only a little bit of pasta for dinner on Wednesday, and went to bed early, so I think that helped. I've been sticking to my healthy lunches, and not eating too many bagels or snacks on the side while at work. I also started taking fish oil this week! Hopefully that'll help in a lot of ways.

This upcoming weekend is going to be a challenge, but I'm going to try to take all of my hard work from this week and carry it over to the weekend. I have my third personal training appointment on Monday, and I want to feel great to start the week out. There's going to be 3 big dinners with Dylan's family, so I am summoning all my strength to use my portion control skillz and do my circuit both Saturday and Sunday.

I CAN DO THIS!

Happy weekend, and happy Easter!

Weight- 209.4lbs
30 Min. Run- 2.69
Pounds from goal- 26lbs

What Do I Think?

That's the questions I decided to tackle today.

I believe I tend to think about myself, like most people, but I also have an awareness of the people around me. I think about things that are going on in my life. I think about the people I care about. I think about money, how I'm going to save it, how I'm going to spend it, how I'm going to make it all work. I think about the things I need to get. I think about the things in my house I have to clean. I think about the food I've eaten today. I think about the food in my fridge, and what I will cook with it, and when. I think about work that I have to do. I think about how I will fill my days. I think about when I will work out. I think about when I'm going to see my friends or my family. I think about upcoming plans. I try to think through how things are going to work out on certain busy days. I try to think ahead to things I need to figure out.

I think a lot about building my future with Dylan, and what that will look like someday. I think about what our family will be like. I think about what our house will look like. I think about how in love we are now, and about how we're trying to foster that love every day to keep it alive and healthy.

I think a lot about things when I'm talking to other people. People can bring out deep thoughts in me, like how we're all connected, how we can better help the world, and how our society is both growing and changing all the time. I don't think about such big things on my own usually.

Reading makes me think too. I love reading novels and magazines, because they make me think in different ways. Magazines like Philadelphia make me think about the city I live in, and all of the things I don't know about it. And all of the restaurants I want to try! Magazines like Vogue or Vanity Fair make me think about people I'll never meet and places I might never go to. It makes me think about how my life would be different if I were more privileged or had been born into a different family. It makes me think about how I might be more driven or more creative or more successful if I had had a different upbringing, if I had been pushed more, encouraged more, or afforded more opportunity.

But I do think a lot about the opportunity I was afforded. I think about how lucky I am to have two parents who are still together that love me and each other and my brother so much, that they'd give us anything they can. I think about my parents a lot, and how much I love them and want them to be happy. I think that if I ever won the lottery how I'd buy them a new house and get one of those fancy professional organizers to go through all of their stuff and make it manageable. I think about all the trips we'd take as a family, and about how I'd make sure they lived out the rest of their lives as comfortable as they'd ever been.

I think about what I can do for them in the meantime, without winning the lottery. I think that if I'm able to show them through phone calls, cards, letters and visits that I care about them and want to be in their lives even though I'm far away, then they'll know how much I love them. I think that telling people you love them is one of the most important things. I think saying it to friends is important, even if you're drunk. I think that making sure people know that you care about them is imperative in having relationships.

I think that being with Dylan has taught me a lot about loving and living as someone's partner. I think about him a lot, and how I can make him happy. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about his birthday, and our anniversary, and how I can make them special for him. I think about all the birthdays and anniversaries to come, and I want them all to be special.

I think about so many things, many of them revolving around my life and the things I do, but I guess that's natural. I've always considered myself a thoughtful person, I try hard to be one now. And I hope I always will think, when making decisions, when letting ideas marinate, when reading, when riding the train, when making people happy, when doing work. I hope I never stop thinking hard about the world, but sometimes, it's good to let go a bit and not think so hard. I hope I can embrace that too!

Good Day, Bad Day

I'm sitting at Comcast, waiting on some feedback before I can finish some work. And waiting another hour before I make my rounds with the marketing folks. Sometimes, I think my weekly meeting here doesn't really matter or accomplish anything, and other times, I feel like I really get a lot out of it. I think I hold onto the time slot and keep coming because I feel like it adds something to my job. It gives me a leg up over other people who aren't client facing. Yes, I communicate with clients on a daily basis over email, but I am truly client facing.

I'm also texting with Bob about our trip to Chicago. He's debating whether we should go with a spectacular room or a wonderful room, when apparently the only difference is the view. Personally, I don't care which way we face, along as the bed is comfortable.

The past couple days have been both fun and tough. Tuesday was fun. I wore a great outfit - red jeans, blousey flowered top, bangles, silver jacket, black sparkly flats. I ran errands with Alex at lunch, and got out of work a half hour early to pick up burritos and meet Dylan to go over to the Of Monsters and Men concert. We ate the burritos in the parking lot, in the sunshine of the late afternoon and then headed over to wait in line at the TLA. We waited and talked for over an hour, even made the reservation for my birthday dinner!

Finally, they let us in and we made our way to the very front next to the stage. I said, "We're here, but how are we going to get drinks?" So we decided to get the good "grown-up" seats/standing spots, up by the bar. We got a couple beers and hung out until the opening singer came on, a young woman whose band goes by the name of Lay Low. I found out, when she started singing a song that I know, that I actually have some of her music, but had no idea before the show she'd be opening! It was pretty cool.

When Of Monsters and Men came out, the energy was infectious. You could tell that Philadelphia really loves this band. The show was sold out, and people were going crazy for them. It was so inspiring. I really felt like we were a part of something. We danced and grooved along to the music, alternately standing and leaning on the rail in front of us. At the end of the show, we talked about how old we are, that standing for 3 or 4 hours is so tough and makes us so stiff. The encore was amazing, and I even got goosebumps when they played the first song we'd ever heard by them. It reminded me how much I love seeing live music. It made me really excited for the concert Dani and I are going to May 11 to see Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes.

After the show was over, we walked back to the car, and drove to Minella's, while listening to Of Monsters and Men and the muppet soundtrack! We ate an amazing late dinner, and talked and talked, and then Dylan said he was spending the night at my house. It made me so happy. We went home and basically fell into bed. I decided to give myself an extra hour, which turned into an extra 2.5 hours. I showered and got back into bed (BIG MISTAKE). I have such a hard time not snuggling with Dylan when he's in my bed. I have to get over that. Then, my train ending up getting suspended.

I didn't end up getting into work until almost 11AM. It totally threw off my whole day, and though I didn't feel useless or clammed up, I did feel really on edge, and like I needed to smoke. I had two cigarettes (two for the month means I'm only one away from the number I had in March), and went home without working out or going to art class. I was kind of disappointed in myself, especially since I told Jeff the other day how I hadn't had any dips in such a while.

I'm going to count yesterday as a fluke, and not worry about it happening again. I'm also going to work hard at getting up and getting into work on time, even if I am super tired. If I can't get my butt out of bed, it's best just to take the day. But today, I feel strong, together and awake. It's going to be a great day. I can feel it!

Growing - Brains & Relationships

I guess I'm not doing the April challenge after all. And I sure as hell won't be doing a May challenge! May is going to be twice as busy as April! As long as I'm writing once or twice a week, I think I'll be OK.

I'm writing way more now between 750 words, my weekly blog entries, and my Yelp reviews! I've also been playing Scrabble with Dylan and Words with Friends online. I'm about to start taking fish oil supplements for the ol' brain. I've been reading almost everyday on the train to and from work. PLUS, I've been working on new projects at work - ones where I actually create work. I'm writing at work! And - AND! - I started going to art class! It's a great feeling.

I feel like my brain hasn't been this active in quite some time. I think I'm really growing, which is great. For a while, being in a relationship was the main growth I experienced. I'm still growing and changing in my relationship with Dylan as well, but now I feel like I'm challenging myself a bit more intellectually. It's important to me to keep my brain active, and I'm now more than ever considering grad school.

The time constraint thing isn't as scary to me as the money. The loans that I would inevitably have to get to pay for grad school I'd probably be paying until I'm 50, the way things are going with the loans I have now! I'm excited for the day that Dylan and I are both bringing in money, and we can have a stash in the bank for emergencies and I can throw $1000 at my loans every month to help pay them down. It'll be a great day. But I think instead of worrying about money, I should arrange some college visits and meet with the admissions people to see what they have to say about my experience, what I'd need to bring to the table, and what they could offer me. I think taking this on could give me a great sense of accomplishment, and further help me manage my time and resources.

Plus, Dylan brought something up last night that irked me a little. He brought up a comment I had made, based actually, upon one of my previous 750 words entries - how I don't like to say goodbye to him at the end of the night, and how he always has something to return to, be it school or video games, and I don't. I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't have much to do. It was more that at the end of the night, I have to go to sleep, and he gets to go do SOMETHING. That he gets to stay up much later than me and work or play, I guess that's what I was pointing out.

Me being in school wouldn't change the fact that I need to go to bed at 11PM or so. It would just mean I'd be working on much more before that. I want Dylan to understand that my life is very full as it is. The people I love, the work I do, my house, my pets, my art, my entertainment, I feel like I am never bored and enjoy the things I do a great deal.

We had another topic come up last night when I asked him to spend the night tonight. He asked if we could wait until our planned weeknight sleepover for my birthday, which is two weeks away. Since he hasn't spent the night during the week in almost 2 months, I wondered why it was such a big deal to him to be with me twice in one month on weeknights. He said he'd much rather be in his own bed and be able to get ample sleep so he'd be fresh for school work the next day. When I countered that I'd drop most anything to be with him, he emphasized he'd do the same for me, except when it came to school. I guess I should be happy that that's the case, and I know if I really needed him, he'd be there. But the fact is, I'm not his top priority, and I think I may have made him mine, and that was a hard fact to swallow...

The driving issue also came up when we were talking about this; how, almost a year into being the one to always drive to see me or pick me up, he doesn't always feel like driving the 25 minutes to my house, but he does it anyway, because he wants to see me and always has a good time. It was kind of hard to hear that too, since I'm insecure about not having a car to come see him. I think I'm going to rent a car for his birthday, and do all of the driving that day. He brought up the driving issue when I made a comment about me working so hard in our relationship, and how he sometimes seems to want to do the easy or convenient thing. It's something that bugs me, but I don't want him to think I don't see all the hard work he puts into us.

I guess it goes back to that page I wrote in my book: "Instead of counting all the things he doesn't do, count all of the things he does do." I filled that page with reasons why I love him- all of the things he does for me. I love him very much, these relationships are just sometimes tough to take care of. You've got to be gentle, but also speak your mind, and always think of two people's feelings, instead of just your own. I think I'll get a hang of it someday. I hope so.