Why is it that I never seem to want to hang up the phone at night? No matter how good the conversation is, no matter how much I've laughed, no matter how many times I've been thankful that we're together and we're talking, getting off the phone is always hard for me. It's like I want him to talk me to the edge of sleep, and whisper goodnight to me as I drift off, every single night.
I'm not like that at work when he calls, or in the evening when I'm walking home from work. It's such a drag. I feel kind of codependent. I'm so excited about the prospect of moving in together, but I don't want it to just make me more dependent on Dylan to make me happy and make me feel whole. It's important for me to maintain my sense of self. And I don't know where the dependent part of me came from, but I'd be alright if it left. I find the same thing happens when Dylan goes to leave. Maybe it's because he's got the car and the home to go home to, and he's the one that's got homework in the evening time.
During the day, I'm busy and am the one being interrupted, but at night, he's the one that's got things to get back to. And when we hang out, he's always got something to get back to, but when he leaves me, he's leaving me by myself.
I sometimes love being by myself. I can write, read, draw, cook, eat, watch TV, take baths, make cards, try on outfits, organize, clean, pet my cats, browse through magazines, go for a walk, online shop, exercise, dance to music...the possibilities are endless. But for some reason, whenever he gets ready to leave me, I always feel a big sense of loss, not of freedom. I think I need to get better at saying goodbye. I need to get better at being alone. I need to get better at loving being with me.
I think this summer, when Dylan has class 4 nights a week, and us hanging out on weeknights becomes scarce, I think I will get better at being alone. I can go to my art class every week, hang out with my friends more, always have a clean house, go to the gym in the evenings, get more adventurous with my cooking, and make time for the things that are important to me...besides having a boyfriend. I'm really glad I started doing the art class. It's made me really happy and given me a big sense of myself back.
I think my next step will either be going to back to school for real or joining a new group - maybe singing, maybe public speaking, maybe volunteering...I don't know! I could do anything I set my mind to. The only thing that scares me about going back to school for my masters is not ever having any free time to myself. I love my evenings, and being able to work out when I want and watch mindless shows if I want, and go to bed early if I want. If my nights are always being taken up by class, and if not class, homework, then when am I going to have this precious me time?
I guess I should embrace it while I have it. That's it. I will declare this summer the summer of ME. I will do things that I've always wanted to do. I will make things happen. I will SEIZE LIFE BY THE CAJONES AND MAKE IT MY OWN. OK, maybe that was a little too far, but you see the point. I'm going to do this. I kind of want to go blond. But that's a lot of maintenance. I kind of want to get better at roller skating. I want to run along Kelly Drive some evening. But getting there and getting back could be such a pain in the tukus.
I want to read all of my magazines that have been piling up. If Vogue doesn't cancel my subscription soon, they'll never stop piling up! I figure if I can read one magazine a week on the train, and read my book nights and weekends, then I might be caught up on my magazines in a few months! Wouldn't that be awesome. Well, it looks like I'm coming to the end of my 750 words. This wasn't as hard as I thought it would be! Whoot! Let's see if I can do this tomorrow too!
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